freshly sharpened pencils...

If you can keep your head

2008-05-07T17:11:00.002+01:00

I remember my first years of high school being made to cram and recite poems and ideals which were supposed to later shape the man I was to become. We blinded complied and wondered what all the fuss was all about. Well today, one of those poems came back to haunt me. In the midst of all the chaos and mayhem that surrounds, I found myself starting to recite, “If you can fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run…”Precious lines from Rudyard Kipling’s poem If.

As I press on with the new career - online media - who would have guessed a mathematician would end up dabbling with the wonderment of the internet? General student-skintness is slowly waning but I think I may be going through some quarter-life crisis: wondering what the hell the rest of my life will be. It’s a period of plenty If’s and each one is extremely open-ended. If this is it then… If this career takes off then… If it ends up Graduate School then… If it’s back to Africa then…Kipling’s poem pretty much brings to life the journey that I have to take here onwards. It’s very prophetic in its statements and yet so candid in its expressions. I could be at my lowest ebb or highest peak and it would still make sense. Those aren't merely just words in four verses. Those are tools, pitch forks and spades, to equip, mould and build every man, woman and child. For your own sake read it:

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

All Change

2008-05-07T14:37:00.001+01:00

And so we have a new mayor, Boris. I woke up yesterday readying myself for the first day of this four day week expecting the Central Line not to be working – and then blame it on the new mayor. Pity, that didn’t happened and I got out at the other end to a sunny and fresh London. No doomsday here but I shall remain morbidly fatalist. Will the buses stop running? Will the tube strike go ahead? Will congestion return to London? Will the Olympics be a fiasco? Will I lose my sense of being a Londoner?

We shall miss Ken and his antics. Out-spoken, almost unapologetic and quite frankly rude. Weirdly enough I loathe Boris for exactly the same reasons. However, I am open to his idea of winning me over and gaining my trust as he wishes. I shall press on but a slender part of me wishes him a measure of good fortune in his role. We are watching, closely!

So who am I?

2008-04-29T08:58:00.002+01:00

I may have grown up in the same Matabeleland province as parents, but my upbringing was a reflection of what they never had, or possibly would be been the stuff their childhood dreams were made of. They didn’t go to a pre-school that gave elocution lessons, or had the chance enrol in one of the country’s finest schools steeped in a culture of all round excellence. While my father in his youth may have had to bring the cattle home after school in rural Kezi, I had cricket and tennis in the afternoons and while my mother’s packed lunch may have been sweet potato in her rural Insiza setting, I found the cold meats and salad lunch unpalatable.

Inasmuch as I may believe to be a product of a modern democratic and yet decaying Zimbabwe ruled by the black majority, I remain a minority. Few have been so fortunate to have a privileged upbringing in a country where poverty and social injustice is the norm. Having studied abroad, suddenly I am aware that I can hardly spell in SiNdebele or complete a sentence without borrowing a word from English. I daren't try read. I may have a Nguni name with such gracious meaning but then again I have to second guess what my first language is. I sometimes ask myself what language I actually think in.So who am I? I am a product of those pedigree dreams which our African parents had for us - to be all they could never be. But it has turned us into mongrels, hybrids who can command an intellectual debate on western philosophy but shy away issues concerning the continent at present: AIDS, malaria, poverty, conflict and democracy.

The Ordinary Man

2008-04-18T12:12:00.003+01:00

I must admit that I am an outsider to South Africa but I can’t help being enamoured by its politics. Quick frankly the politics in my country is pretty much screwed and so I may as well borrow some sugar from the neighbour. I’ve just read with some glee that the ANC is jazzing up Jacob Zuma and pimping him up for the world. A year ago I had my reservations and thought, darn it, SA will move swiftly down Zim’s route when JZ takes the mantle. However, I have since warmed up to the guy and I guess the pimp who’s doing the pimping must be praised for changing the opinionated arrogant mind.

Unlike Bob (that aging dictator in that ailing country) or Thabo (the intellectual who has started to bore us stiff!) JZ presents himself as an ordinary man, far from the aloofness which still resonates in African politics. I’ve always have had this idea since my life that politicians are special beings, almost god-like, who are on a different but yet higher level than the you-and-me on Main Street. JZ is the guy who you would probably bump into in a crowded bar and go on to offer him a pint. He’s the sort of chap who isn’t shy of admitting to his mistakes and who says a potential president can’t have a looming trial? He almost strikes me as my current mayor Ken Livingstone. He’s the ordinary Londoner who just happens to run London. Maybe South Africa could benefit from the ordinary South African, who just happens to run the country. But will JZ's shady past cloud the dreams and aspirations of a young country?

Fragile Souls

2008-04-14T15:08:00.002+01:00

Interesting things can happen during a typical morning commute. For the past two working days I have been one of the two thousand people sitting, mostly standing in a crowded tube train somewhere under London. Signal failure was one excuse and the one this morning was that somebody triggered the alarm of the train behind us by mistake! This obviously in normal in a city of seven million odd souls but it brings out certain social characteristics I don't find during a seamless commute.

I find London and its inhabitants a bit too stuffy on the tube. At least on the bus, one sometimes hears the annoying start of a conversation with the bleating of "I'm on the No. 73!" into a mobile phone. Love it or not it breaks the monotony of the glum faces and uncool silence - and you get to enter the world of another Londoner and try piece together a that person's world from the conversation they are having. On the tube one is confronted by a haughty atmosphere so steely and lifeless I sometimes wonder if I really am in the most vibrant city in the world. It's all about the shuffling of a free paper, the thump-thump from some over zealous MP3 player and the riders staring into nothingness, trying to avoid the little eye contact they can afford.

Throw a spanner on the rails, stop a train, do something and life emerges. Firstly with the inaudible grunts of displeasure, followed by loose small talk, then witty giggles finally leading to full on conversations and random bouts of laughter. Is it because we suddenly realise just how fragile we are and escape that fragility by talking to a complete stranger? If only these poor people could take a leaf from the commuters I used to know in Souther Africa. Life doesn't suddenly start in these awkward moments but it exists, rain, shine or a president who clings on the power after being rejected by his people.

Life in the Underworld

2008-04-08T17:05:00.003+01:00

It's just gone 17.07 this Tuesday afternoon and it's that time of the day when one simply is a zone they'd rather not be. Caught up in a constant work flow, lost in the stark oblivion and wondering just how one got caught up in the this whole process of feeding another human being's pockets so well. I don't think I'll ever understand capitalism and the whole notion of being competitive. We labour perennially to keep the cogs in action, the wheel of life moving lest we miss the gravy train.

Well lately I do think I've been lost in this worrisome underworld. I wonder if moving to the big bad city has hardened my senses and made me less a human being and more an animal. Treating life as though it's a competitive sport: the race for the morning shower before the room mates fet hold of the water; the brisk walk to the tube station out pacing the suit playing with his Blackberry; the shove into the crowded train (sorry old lady!); the dash for the office dodging the militant cyclists and irritating black cabs. All this to spend the ten hours plotting and planning on ways to beat the competition that lies hiding somewhere in cyberspace.

Sad, really sad! The monster has consumed me and like Jonah, I must to find my way out.

The Lazarus Effect

2008-04-07T14:33:00.000+01:00

Right, it's been over a year - damn 18 months but who doesn't believe in being raised from the dead?

I seriously have almost forgetten what blogging is all about bu tI shall soon find myself in that "zone" of blabbering on about the nothing-ness that surronds us and the trivialities of life in this good for nothing planet. In case you were wondering, I now earn a dishonest living in the big bad city, feeding the bowels of globalisation and capitalism. My days are spent convincing unsuspecting louts on the internet to perform random sessions of point-and-click and milk their plastic money to the hilt. Dare I say, I love it. Academia has taken a back seat, sorry!!! But no regrets.

I've been reading through past entries in this blog - you should too - and I found them interesting, entertaining, charming, funny but sometime out right desperate for attention. I find it a bit scary that I have grown in the past 18 months but I will continue to share my witty infantile drivel.

My pencils have been sharpened and so here goes nothing!

Grooving 401

2006-10-20T18:31:00.000+01:00

well, that's what i haven't been doing over the last month. well i lie. my girlfriend and i went to her sister's boyfriend's sister's birthday party a couple of weeks ago and it was smashing. the video evidence which was disected on the sunday morning had plenty to show - and plenty laughs too. ndindindi full-time... and we can handle it.

next week is her sister's party up in the midlands. it's a surprise which we all hope she hasn't caught wind of and it's pretty much going to be a who's who of who's who. i more i get to know B, the more i realise that her people know my people and my people know her people. and so at this party at the month end, i shall be pleasantly surprising people. i'm already preparing to answer the question, "so how did you guys hook up?"

i wish i could tell you the long story short but hey these things happen when you least expect them.

besides the amaFaro in our lives, we still do normal people things: you know eat, sleep, catch buses, go to work, go to school, etc. only difference is that certain factors have changed and those changes have been welcome! it's so good to be here and alive.

shared boredom

2006-09-24T14:36:00.000+01:00

when one has better things to do in this life, a blog has to suffer. it becomes that secondary thing online with very little significance. i've been occupied with all manner of things which way surpass the cyber realm. B has been so good to me and i can only do my best to reciprocate.

today's a lazy sunday. to make matters worse i'm ultra skint, not a penny to lose (literally!!!). on such a day, i'd probably be at home, gawking at telly, fighting with my pillow or plucking my nose hairs but i'm here with B. ok, i'll admit i am bored to the bone. but really there's no better feeling than being bored with her. my frustrations seem to melt away and even if i just sit there and stare at her, i'll be content because i'll know that there's another soul that's just as sad as i am. being bored alone can drive anyone insane but being bored with someone else takes away that loneliness. i am also happy that i do not feel obliged to create some sham romantic outing just to pass time. B and i will just sit here and watch the clock tick away.

tomorrow lectures begin. i had my full induction on friday with my school of mathematics discussing all things academic. two of my lecturers were pretty inquisitive about my year abroad and were quizzing me about silicon valley. for a good fifteen minutes i felt important. they want to line me up to chat with second years who are considering the american option. i'll chat with anyone, anyday - just gimme the limelight!

last call

2006-09-15T09:20:00.000+01:00

i woke up a bit groggy today. i've got the sniffles. sore head, runny nose, irritable throat. today happens to be my last day at work. GREAT!! what a wonderful to say my goodbyes. i'll be remember as the bloke who left them with that weird flu strain from some third world country.

i'm taking my last calls from my tiny cubicle. i've got a long paper trail which i want to kill off and i really don't have the energy. i shall miss the little existence i've had in this big grand company. i shall the free coffee vending machine. i shall miss the free cookies that the middle-aged ladies that love to share with young handsome boys. i shall miss cursing at the two idiots who sit next to me. i shall miss flinging paper clips across the floor and missing that guy's face. i shall miss lunch out by the lake. i shall miss flirting with the admin girls - especially the one who's a qualified masseuse. i shall miss the friday liquid lunches at the student union on campus across the road. hang on, i'm going back to uni. those liquid lunches stay!!

what's next? one more year and this mathematician becomes official.

I met a girl...

2006-09-11T15:58:00.000+01:00

... called B.

Thus far my blog has been an excuse for me to rant and rant, a platform for me to complain about this sordid life. But this is all set to change. I met a girl called B at a friend's house - her cousin's house. For some supernatural reason she showed a bit of interest in me and couldn't stop interrogating me: about me, where I was from, where I'd been and where I was going. She was charming and charismatic, carried her conversation superbly. She wasn't just talking, she was communicating - an act which this big bad world seems to forget to do. She was good at it, real good and that left a lasting impression on me.

Phone numbers were swopped, text messages sent, phone calls made, dates confirmed. The past couple of weeks have certainly been a whirlwind of fun, fun and just hardcore fun. From days out at Ashton Court riding kiddy trains to dancing to kwaito in Notts to tshisaring meat and vors in the Mids to snakes on a plane at the cinema to just chilling in front of the telly. It almost feels as though I've been given a new lease on life - and that lease is set to last. Things seem pretty much on match - same uni, same hometown (neighbourhood even!) , same age, same height, same language, same graduation year, same..... But we are very different people and I'm on a journey of not only discovering this beautiful person but also a journey of self-discovery into the person I am and the person I am set to become. It is a beautiful thing. I feel content with life right now. It's as though I'm finding an equilibrium - a superhuman feeling of euphoria. And damn it feels good.

what's your name

2006-08-31T14:44:00.000+01:00

i am one of those fortune people from the Motherland who is blessed with a full zulu name which inadvertantly poses problems to people when it comes to pronouncing it. even people from parts of zimbabwe can't say it without flinching. as for vanilla folks... well, it gets really butchered.

i've had a whole lot of nicknames since i was able to speak. it seemed like a nice substitute to those would wanted to call me. i used to be the skinny kid with the big head. one can only imagine what nicknames would crop up to denigrate my physical appearance. then when i acquired a pair of specs the names coul only get worse. however there is one that stuck and it has stuck for a good sixteen years. in fact all through high school it was used to refer to me as i have a popular surname. i quite liked this nickname. it did increase my self esteem and gave everyone a sense that i was intelluctual. maybe i am. you decide. it got so bad that my initial changed from "M" to "P". in my old school circles i am still referred to by that very nickname.

when i started my new short life in england. i decided to lose that image and off went that name. i reverted to my first name. after all it is a novelty over the seas, especially with the complex consonant structure. how many words this side of the planet do you get with "mhl" - then try pronounce it. i've tried my best to educate them but i must admit most have been unwilling to learn. most have just cut it down to just "M" - with a handsome measure of mystique attached to it.

fascinatingly enough, i now work with a great bunch of people who have now invented some very interesting names for me. one is Diablo - after the car and not the devil! the other two which i kinda hope will stick are Goolie and Gools. they make sound goofy but a part of me likes them. it's as though i'm started a new chapter in my life and with new leaves turned new names are learned. my name keeps on revolving, so what's your name?

two weddings and a removal

2006-08-21T10:48:00.000+01:00

summer has it that there will always be celebrations. last weekend i attended a lovely wedding with beautiful reception at the leicester tigers rugby ground. despite the fact that it was raining, the whole affair was superb. full sit down three course meal followed by even more after dinner snacks during the reception. it was also a nice cultural mix - west indian, english... all joyful and happy. i didn't actually have an invite but my good friend who i was staying with sweet talked my way in and i posed as a friend who had just landed from the states and couldn't be let deserted at home.

then yesterday i attended sipho and kudzi's wedding somewhere in the midlands. manje this one was a home grown affair, pure pure ndebele-style complete with inyama enengi. we love our meat to the core. it was grand. the dance moves. i hadn't forgotten cabbage exists. lengquzu futhi sihlabel' ugwayimana. and then bus stop and cha cha afterwards. probably the most emotional bit was a dance off they had for married couples with pairs being eliminated by the number of years they had been married. the last standing two had been married for 25 years. they were then joined by the newly weds. very beautifully done.

as tired and bhabhalazed as i am i have to move today. there's also been drama in that end as our supposed new landlord pulled out at 4pm on friday emini leaving to scrounge around on saturday for an immediate move-in. thenkfully something pulled through and removals are in progress. i'm looking forward to my new canvas of a room to personalise and make my own for the course of this coming year.

uMama uyeza

2006-08-14T00:22:00.000+01:00

it's almost the middle of the month and i ask myself where all these days have gone. in no time i'll be back e-klasini cracking those nombolos. i'm looking forward to it all.

while others have been galavanting over the seas, i spent my weekend in the midlands lo-OJ. okuGomez kuseStates, my Mam'dala flew back ekhaya on friday, my Sibale follows kusasa and uMama's coming to vakatsh' for a while in three weeks. i last saw umama last year!! damn!! i'm itching real bad to see her, to hug her, to qabuza her and say, "uSharp Masalu!"

for the record, i'm a mama's boy through and through. i'm allowed. i'm her first born. i'm her only son. i fuza-ed her smile and we can chat for hours on end, me tuning her my gwans and her the same. she listens. she listens because uyangithanda unconditionally. she has a certain strong compassion about her always selfless putting others' needs before her own. she's always willing to sacrifice but you'll never here her complain. she's a mother... my mother. the woman who carried me for nine months, went through hours of labour for my sorry black ass. i miss her so much and i love her to bits. damn... three weeks is too far!!

where was i?

2006-07-30T10:49:00.000+01:00

bristol the last time i checked. i still am. uyazi i really don't have anything to report to my dear blog and yet i find myself typing. i wonder if this happens to other bloggers - where they just adding an entry with no idea where it will lead.

busy listening to mandoza on ukhozi fm. the tv is silently showing ne-yo girate to his sexy love. it's sunday. i really should go out and enjoy some park, maybe blaise castle. ama photo picture from our outing aphumile but they were from a 35mm. so will have to use scanner at the msebenz' to scan my one. it was supposed to be a stupid pic of me hugging a sculpture of a dog but i ended up looking quite sauve it in. i like it. it deserves a frame. hmmm... ikea's nearby. maybe later.

speaking of the castle called blaise, uVusa told me of an ordeal he went through after taking his baby Nandi for a bit of father-daughter bonding play-at-the-park on thursday. i think he's taking the perpetrators to court too.

nyanya yacho: so he and a friend decide to kill some time by going to the castle with his baby daughter. all's well, the sun shines, the birds sing, the grass is green. V is been chasing his kid on the grass, he shows her a helicopter hovering above, they wave. he notices some police presence but doesn't take it too seriously. there's even coppers with dogs.

time comes to phindela emakhaya. happy day, baby smiling, daddy's happy. backpack on back. as they pass an ice-cream van and head towards the car park, six squad cars appear from nowhere, the cops with zinja start running towards father and daughter. someone starts shouting, "nick him, nick him, nick him!!"
then one officer pushes him carrying daughter into a squad car. v asks them what's going on, n, startled by all this commotion starts screaming her lungs out.
they start telling him that he is wanted for a serious crime - rape in scotland!! is response, "you must be joking." baby is crying her lungs. they go on to tell him of what he is suspected for and then he asks them if he can comfort his daughter, "fair enough, you may think i am a suspect but my priority right now is my kid."
some officer takes the kid outside and tries to comfort but hatshi, 'twana screams for a daddy. he pleads with them for the welfare of his child but they insist they will have to carry out enquiries. after about tem minutes this female officer apologises, "sorry mistaken identity, you can get out of the car."
"what?? get out of the car, just like that, after the way you've treated me and my daughter."
"these things happen. sorry for that. you can get out the car."
"you people aren't serious. after the way you treated my daughter you expect me just to walk away smiling."
indebele laseli bhonga, lingadlali!
cut the long short, he's taking them to civil court. went to the stitshi to give u-super a mouthful and apparently he was all begging this black man to for some forgiveness. vusa's not messing about. he called off sick at the msebenz' and went to his GP to request some counselling for the stress he received. he now cant sleep because of images of his daughter being traumatised.

ijaha layazi, angithi!!

anyhoo, that's the latest chakuti. more mbayi mbayi.

civvies day

2006-07-22T07:03:00.000+01:00

i remember civvies day from junior school. the one day of term - near the end of term - which we all looked forward to. one would save their brand new north star takkies just to show off come civvies day. we would all contribute 50 cents which i'm not quite sure where it went. well today at the msebenz' we had our own civvies day - they call it dress down day. weather's tshisaring, we're all hot and bothered and so our bosses have been kind to let us abandon the collar, tie and jacket theme for a more casual shorts and t-shirt look. i wish everyday could be like this. everything but the £1 we all had to contribute towards some charity.

futhi everyone here at the msebenz' is feeling generous. kanje payday was izolo. that's why. kulamakheke on middle tafula and i'm digging in - literally. us africans love our freebies.

speaking of africans, my job involves quite a bit of phone calls to a number of dealers. this one guy today asks me: are you dutch? what, do i sound dutch on the phone? no actually i'm from zimbabwe. he took three steps back. netherlands.... zimbabwe... netherlands.... zimbabwe... maybe it's that s'bhunu sikhiwa which comes out when i nose. yes, yes i'll admit it, i do nose most times but it really is not my fault. one gets used to speak in a particular way and they
really can't get rid of it. i for one do have a special accent and nice tone. okay i brag i brag. i think i should audition for voice overs you know. maybe big brother.

enough rants. today's friday. i might find myself in birmingham later this evening or early tomorrow morn. my cousin's teenage daughter - umtaka sisi ozwalwa ngumam' omdala - is in the country and she'll be in brum for some weeks. only fair for the malume to see his mzukulu.
ah, yes, there go my pounds!!!

a bit of wind

2006-07-16T16:03:00.000+01:00

and so i'm now a regular esabatheni. it comes with its extras. yesterday after church we had lunch at NaTevisa's (pronounced te-vi-sha) house. she's kinda like a big sister to me. i always used to find myself emaphathini with her younger brothers. all fifteen of us stuffed our faces with so much food, i almost lost the will to move. afterwards, the cheesecake... i love cheesecake.

as the sun was blasting phandle, we decided to kipha ourselves to blaise castle - a picturesque building on impresive public gardens. manu took plenty plus photos and videos which will soon appear somewhere online. then this bunch of twenty-something africans started playing kiddies games from ekhaya. plenty laughs.

us boys wanted to go out and watch superman returns but all girls were very ante. and so we hijacked the godfather dvd boxset and packed up in front of a telly. mina was way too tired, sitting of the floor, ngiwozela, my head xhega-ring like a mpukane. then suddenly as i'm passing out, "boooo...." - i had broken some wind. and abasangihlekanga nje! what a nice epilogue to a fine day!

itshumi lanye

2006-07-14T20:22:00.000+01:00

it's been a while since i blabbered, 11 days away from blogosphere. i'm still breathing, alive, kicking... and all the rest of it. But my life has ground to another routine. mgivuka ngo 6, catch up on the news, ngigeze, ngilunge, ngidle, ngigad' ibhasi, ngisebenze, ngibuyele ng'khaya, ngidle, ngibukel' iTV and then sleep. how boring's that?

i live with the soppiest lovers too. my friend keeg and his liz are the lovey dovey kiss kiss pissing off type who cant get enough of each each. makes me want to slap them but why should i spread my sadness. i cant believe i actually agreed to share a house with them. there's plenty advantages: lower rent, decent peeps, nice house and proper food. i guess i'll have to live with the 'mtiwa wangu' 'mtiwa wangu'.

my baby sam broke! ama-seri! she was in my pocket next thing i take her out and her lcd's cracked. why do they make fong-kong's these days? i'm well pissed. i bought the three year collect and return thing but getting through to them is such a nightmare!!! my heart bleeds for my toy. big time!!

however, i've become acquianted with the tv remote. can hardly call it cheating. plenty to watch on tv. i discovered this silly one woman show by catherine tate. i should find a clip on youtube and embed it. that woman knows her stuff and all her little skits are so true about england. for anyone who has never been to england, you just have to watch her show to see what british people are actually like. my fave characters are the grumpy old Nan and the "Am I Bothered?" chick.

today's friday. i actually went to uni just to check it out. i'm sad. i'm sitting in my best spot in the maths centre and typing away. i really don't know what i'm looking for here. i must confess, i'm sad. really sad!!

720 degrees

2006-07-03T19:07:00.001+01:00

ever considered one's circle of friends? well, i have two. and both circles revolve in complete opposite directions. i guess i need them both it keeps my equilibrium on point.

the first 360. well these are peeps from ekhaya who i just happened to gel with here in south west england. it's a nice mixture of amandebele, amazulu, amaswati lamashona. actually o-zviri labo zvaka out number us. i like this circle. it gives me a firm grounding and a reminder of why and what i'm doing what i'm doing in foreign lands. they only want to see me succeed and are willing to help me just as i would land a hand. when i came from from the states, i knew that i'd have my back covered while i searched for a place to stay. it encourages me to go to church and seek things spiritual. when two in our little clique decided to get married, everybody chipped in with their five cents, rather five pence! it sort reminds me of my parents and their friends. i've always wondered how my baba's best friend is married to my mama's best friend. we have our picnics in the park or the odd braai in the back garden. it's nice. it makes england feel like home. this past weekend we drove in our nice little convoy to an sda concert in stoke-on-trent. this week, i'm busy hunting for a house with two others from my little posse. at least i know i'll be sharing with people i know from home.

however, i always turn out to be 'out-there' one and i do stick out like a sore thumb. i'm the one who describes to everyone the euphoric feeling after smoking a sheesha and then goes on to share a video of my very drunk family after too much tequila. i'm the one they can't tie down and is always talking about the 'next stop' on the itinerary. i'm the one who threw that testosterone charged stag do (details too juicy for a blog) before that guy got married and almost caused a premature divorce then had osisi not talk to me for a week. i'm the thrill seeker as far as they are concerned.

the next 360. well these are peeps from england. they are mostly from suburban kent and surrey who were emancipated away from 'mom and dad' to the clutches of the wild and wicked varsity lifestyle. they like to think of themselves as the free spirits who should go to Africa and save it from tyranny. i guess i'm their excuse for having an African friend. they are the ones with no limits. one of them once told me that you only know your limit once you reach it. this circle forces me to go pub crawling on a tuesday night just so i can have wednesday and thursday off. and by the time friday comes, it's already the weekend and so why bother? it sees no harm in celebrating a person's age with equal shots of tequila. the fact that one of them had to have his stomach pumped in an ambulance on its way to casualty makes interesting conversation. hang on, let's not forget the boys who brought their pellet guns from home and then woke the neighbours trying to shoot imaginary birds in the sky. hapless lady next door called 999 when she heard gun shots and our house was surrounded by six squad cars. such stories get loads of laughs in the pub. this clique will be happy to coast along all semester and start burning the midnight oil on the eve of exams. but don't be fooled. somehow they all pass well enough to keep mummy and daddy happy to pump money into their bank accounts. the odd barbeque turns into a binge and footie in the park is a lot more fun after a case of white wine.

however, i always turn out to be the conservative one and i do stick out like a sore thumb. i'm the one who bothers to worry about assignment deadlines and getting projects finished well before time. i'm the one who always carries crib notes in my back pocket in case i find a minute to spare in between pints. i'm the one who actually has that 'gawd awful thing' called a job and every penny i spend is actually MINE! i'm the one who raises eyebrows and wants to go home because i have reached my limit. i'm the boring one as far as they are concerned.

impilo

2006-06-27T23:10:00.000+01:00

so here i am with yet another dilemma in my simple life. you know when you think you've closed certain doors for various reasons, they start begging to be open again. what is it with the female race? you meet, you decide you like each each, you go out, test the waters to see if it's for real, the decide maybe this just may be it. so it gets really serious. so serious even the 'rents ask about the other significant other. then things go slightly amiss, there's elements of doubt, so the whole show is called off. okay, i've simplified things, not that i'm insensitive but the fact that i'm just a pedantic dude.

how does one explain life and what one seeks in life? how does one keep his ground without making offense. i know that i speak for myself. i am good person and not the sort to make people upset. i'm not out here to create offense in my short life. the prime reason i wanted to take a step back was simple: there just was no future. but the sad aspect of life is that people will always have then own perspective. nothing wrong with that, but we need need to appreciate that fact.

the msebenz' and the digs

2006-06-27T22:53:00.000+01:00

the new job's actually really interesting. i work with a back office team for a financing company on a pretty cool campus in north briz. they've just closed their hq in london and so there's plenty to be done. but i've been warned. yes, today, my very friendly supervisor warned me against working myself out of a job. yep!! if i'm too effecient and finish my tasks sooner than timetabled my ten week assignment will be cut short - with no extra pay. such is the price for being a hard worker.

besides that, i'm busy house hunting. i'm crashing on a futon at a friend's flat. it's pretty cool coz i'm out of the elements and have plenty food to eat. houses are in such short supply though. especially ones with nice big gardens for summer bbq's. and then there's the car issue. i really need a car. i need car like yesterday. even a £300 micra will do for now. i'm so sick of buses - already!

thinking i need a second job i walked into a large tesco's to ask for an employment form and the lady smiles and says they have no vacancies. tesco's - no work!! is life that tight?

khohlwiyani

2006-06-22T20:19:00.000+01:00

phela it's easy to forget that one blogs. when was the last time i let rip? anyway, i've been dying to let out a bit of air. i hope to make this as painless as possible.

as i type, i'm watching australia play croatia at the wc. this is sad. okay flip channel to see some real skills from brazil. football has taken over my life. i'm sad i missed ghana THRASH the usa. man!! my ghana friends in the states must have gone crazy.... rather crazier. i'm glad they're through to the knock-outs but they'll probably meet brazil.

other nyanyas in my life. i went to that interview almost two weeks back. the lady was really pleasant, making all sorts of good comments about my CV, bringing my hopes up. then when she found ukuthi ngivela eZim, i-smile saphela!! sayenzani kanti? so much seems to have happened since i was away, i wish hadn't come back. cut my long story short, i was promised a second interview, then izolo they ask me to come in. so mina leaves my little piece job (will describe mbayi bayi), leaves the shift, leaves the clock ticking, to go to this second interview. i get there, she's all plastic smiles. her exact words were as she led me to this interview room, "take a seat right there, dear." dear... dear... since when wena mama? why fake the nice-ness? then, she sits down and says, "sorry but you're not quite what we are looking for."

pause

mina cabangas, hang on lady, is this the interview? ngitshiy' ishift yami to come here for your ngcekeza. yindaba ungadobhanga ifoni?
[ohhh nkos'. japan just scored!!!]

we carry on. wena mama, uqinisile sibili? uzangibhadala yini imali yami? long story mfitshane, i thanked her and left. in fact, i'm tempted to write to the company to ask them what was wrong with my application. it's called feedback.

anyway, the agency calls me almost immediately afterwards. a finance company needs a sharp mind, can i start tomorrow? now we're talking. so i started at this new place and it's pretty much going to be solid for most of the summer. working on some interesting work on a pretty nice campus. there's free drinks so vele my nkomitsho is never empty. my direct supervisor, the guy i'm working under in this assignment is a really flambouyant "banana type". wavy arms type. tolerance levels will have to be increased. but i'm sure it will be fine.

about that piece job: i was openning letters at this place. yes, that was the job description. i laughed when they told me until i saw the boxes that needed attention. i cried for my mama-lo.
[brazil has equalised. woti sibon' idiski.]

alive and well

2006-06-15T09:27:00.000+01:00

you know, i've been pre-occuppied with plenty this end. it seems as though england is being way too kind to me. i'm staying with my very generous cousin's family. in fact her husband is a main instigator when it comes to the art of imbibing. i can never keep up. he actually took a week off work just so he could entertain me. he seems to be doing such a good job.

and then as if i've had enough fun, brother decides to join us. so here we were here in the midlands trying to copy dance moves from a video from eGoli. why am i trying to explain? just click PLAY below and watch for yourself.

siseLandani

2006-06-05T12:05:00.000+01:00

that was a quickie for a flight. only six hours. i could live in new york and commute to work in london!! 'tis only a dream. still at the airport waiting for my coach to brum.

i had an entire row to myself. i bought one ticket but they gave me three seats - no complaints. had so much space. iJuda across the aisle kept giving me an evil eye. i only made it worse by setting up my own bar, naba-ed a bit and settled down to my movie marathon. the trolley dolly was good to me. i asked her if they had a particular chardonnay and after that she kept on asking me if i wanted more. how could i say no?

anyway, i'm tired. my clock is now five more hours ahead with zero hours of proper sleep. plenty sleep is in order.

ps. public phone is 30p!!! it used to be 20!!! used to be.

ngeSonto eKasi

2006-06-04T21:55:00.000+01:00

you know it's funny how i started getting phone calls from friends and family in england this week after spending ten months in this country. suddenly because i'm coming back, they want something!! ahhh, khohlwani.

nonetheless, i went to do some really last minute shopping in harlem and down in midtown. midtown's all touristy with white peeps flashinf their cameras and flaunting their cash. boring stuff. you know, grand central, empire state building, 42nd and park, times square, broadway and shops like saks fifth ave and macy's. but ngapha, this end, phezulu, up, kubo 125th, kuseKasi! yah. this is the place to be.

the unique smell hits you as soon as you exit the subway station, bawos' umumbu! carry on down martin luther king blvd, kulabafana selling da vinci code on dvd. hang on. that movie came out last week. yebo, sibonile. go a bit further, caph' isistridi, kulempahl' ezicayiweyo konapho ku-pavement. jeans $15. and it's akademiks! mina thinks: prob'ly fong kong. then ekhoneni, uspoks tries to sell me i420. all around walking past me are omama smartly dressed from eSontweni with little kids in sharp suits lamabhothayi. the old man across the street could pass for a Dlamini and umama loyana looks like umaSibanda.

i was impressed. faces and places are same wherever man. as long as you're black (sorry for the generalisation) they'll always be something familiar about your neighbourhood anywhere on this planet. even in england. another funny thing is that i was stopped by this guy giving out fliers protesting against the redevelopment of harlem. apparently, they are gentrifing the neighbourhood, cleaning it up and improving the housing. but they don't want the face lift. they want to keep the grime, the dirt and the smells. that way, according to this gent, rent will stay low and it will keep the black folk in and the white folk out. after all, ngobani abafun' abelungu eKasi?

no. 100 - back to basics

2006-06-04T16:19:00.000+01:00

as my time here in the land of the free comes to an end, i thought i might remind myself how this blog got it's name. a product of exam stress and venting useless rants after copious amounts of alcohol.

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.

4. Stop off at the third floor on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend also hasn't started the paper yet, you can both walk to McDonald's and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.

5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

7. You remember that you owe that old friend from high school who’s now in Australia a phone call. So you decide to call him now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.

8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

9. Listen (and sing along) to your favorite Coldplay CD and that's it, I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.

10. Listen to it again!

11. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.

12. Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your professor, the course, the university, the world at large.

13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue.

15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Monty Python is truly worthwhile.

16. Catch the last forty five minutes of Monty Python and the Holy Grail on channel 52.

17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points.

18. Go through your entire blog and add a new entry.

19. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.

20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

21. Read through your entire blog and check for any silly mistakes.

22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it.

24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

25. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

26. Leap up, realize that you have just two hours to deadline and write the paper. After all, you work best under pressure.

overhearing things...

2006-06-04T03:59:00.000+01:00

my favorite site today is Overhead in New York. the things people say and the things people say in response. it's been raining today and i found solace in laughter - plenty laughter!!!

kuyasheshwa la

2006-05-30T19:49:00.000+01:00

there's this house track called "city life" - iLife yaseJozi, iLife yaseGoli, kuyasheshwa la, city life...

well, that's new york. i don't think anyone can ever get tired of this joint. there's plenty about new york which makes it the city it is.

on saturday MB came over from DC and we decided to go bar hopping in the east village with a bunch of other guys. we were being shunted around by the local villagers. quite a lot of the places were brimming with NYU students playing drinking games or chatting very loudly. we ended up at this belgian beer place. i almost dismissed this joint as we walked in becasue it almost seemed as though we were walking into a parking lot. but such is new york where a seemingly hole-in-the-wall bar can have the ultimate ambience and an edgy but yet intellectual crowd. the stellas began flowing and conservations were lubricated until MB and i were interrupted mid-conversation by some dude who knew what language we were conversing in: isiNdebele. this guy has never been to zim but he spent some time in uganda which brought Emman (our dear friend from kampala) into the convo. MB is also from nthuthu. then we met more people and more people and more people that sunday and monday plans were taken care of by a barbeque in brooklyn and a picnic in central park.

one defining feature of this city I believe are its weird smells and littered streets. seriously, kuyanuka lapha! but for some reason, I like it the way it is. every little piece of junk and every little smell has a story to tell, kinda like the people who make up the population. easy-going, hard-going, criminal, saint, hobo, millionaire, busker, broadway performer, cab driver, skate boarder, black, white, african, chinese, italian, irish, spanish, brazilian... i could go on and on. it's a melting pot of ginomous proportions but each story is unique and different - fitting for a city like this with a big heart. I LOVE NEW YORK!

stress at 30 000 feet

2006-05-26T11:16:00.000+01:00

just doing my business

2006-05-24T19:33:00.000+01:00

didn't think i'd blog this but here goes!

so i leave cali for the big apple, stop over in phoenix. it was cool. went outside to breathe in the arizona air and went back inside. i got myself some grub at chili's and then checked the departures and my flight was delayed by an hour. back to chili's. sit at bar, take out book (nelson mandela's long walk to freedom) and order another beer. put me to sleep as soon as i get back on. finish drink, flight's been pushed back another 30 minutes. back to chili's smile at the waitress. she knows me now.

bottom line is i ended up having four full pints. i know that was naughty of me but they should be on time next time. we get on the plane, my seat is four rows behind first class. i figure i'll use the bathroom before we take-off. it's quicker and easier to go up front and use first's bathroom - it's only a toilet!! but this guy with flaming arms and lisp stops me dead on my tracks and requests me to use the ones in the rear. i can't proceed to the rear. everyone's busy stacking up their shee overheard. i sit down and compose myself. we can do it.

as soon as it clears i get and start towards the back. but because the flight's delayed and the trolley dollies are in panic mode, this woman with plastic smile advises me that i'll be able to do so as soon as we take off. okay... i'll wait. deep breath. happy thoughts. i almost want to tell her that i've had four but figure they'll probably kick me off the plane. breath again.

we start moving, we taxi, we speed up, we take off. now my eyes are focussed on that seat belt sign. i'm worshipping it silently in my seat, 8D. it's been forever since we got on. then a ding goes but the light stays on. then the dollies start walking up and down.why am i still chained to my seat? as one woman walks past, i put my hand up and ask her: can i go now? - in that grade one begging tone. no, you'll have to wait for the seat belt sign to come off. i wait. breath.

then the trollies come out. dang people!!! first you dont turn off the signal then you block the aisle with your nqolas! the movie then starts: big momma's house 2. now it's no longer a laughing matter. that guy with the funny lisp ponces around through the first class curtain taking his time. also there's no way i can go to the back, those women are at it at the other end. i take out my camera and do a little video and voice memo. (i just listened to it, there's stress in that voice!)

finally the guy up front starts back tracking and i'm like forget it, it's either right now or right here. take off was like 45 minutes ago!! i bolt to the front, lisp guy stops me and i calmly say, "dude, i really need the bathroom." and walk straight past him. freedom. as soon as i get out he's waiting for me. i'm tempted to put my hand out and shake his but i dont. he then reprimands me, not only did i leave my seat but i used first class bathrooms - a real no no no. people get arrested for doing what i did. i beg for his forgiveness. i was only doing my business. there's some things in life we can't avoid. the rest of the flight was a non-event.

i now have to consider what to do with that little video clip of me complaining to myself!!

the way kungakhona

2006-05-24T18:43:00.000+01:00

for those of you who my dear uncle will sometimes love to hate him, or hate to love him. the guy just tells it like it and sometimes you just wish he'd keep his mouth shut. nonetheless, i really do enjoy his company because he always makes me laugh with his constant cynicism. he always find a way to rag anybody about anything. he's also got a cool sense of style and shops at nordstroms. he decorated the interior of his house with modern african chic and themed all his rooms: main lounge is the "matopos room" littered c.h. naake paintings and that motsi painting of the rock boulders commands character in the dining room; tv room is a dark savannah-like theme, his landing upstairs is west african; the 2nd bedroom is an ethiopian princess's room; the 3rd room is north african (dark moroccan colours) and his room is like a nduna's liar - very palatial.

when i got to his house sometime last week, he was dead asleep - okay we were out partying with sims. i eventually got to see him the next day when i was getting ready to go out to the 112 thingy. i'm like wearing my new prize shirt to impress the ladies and he turns to me and says, "you are wearing that! it looks like pyjamas." okay okay it may be striped and tshwabana-ed but i'm sure donna karan meant for it to look like that. he just shook his head.

the next day we go to this girl's graduation and the party which followed. she's also from zim, the northern part, and she was graduating with magna cum laude (only two people in her college had that distintiction). afterwards we were all congratulating her for her allsorts and he turns to her and says, "i only came because you were magna um laude. anything lower i wouldn't have bothered!" ah dude, give the girl her props. he didn't bother turning up at the after party - he doesn't do loud township music.

then on monday he bought a new computer for his home office. being the young 'un, i had to set it up for him. not rocket science and i quite enjoy doing such. but with him, everything has to be perfect: dot the t's and cross the i's! then alas, the internet refused to graft. you know when you see a storm coming and part of you wants it to come for comic relief and the other part doesn't want it to come because it's also annoying. well it came! he called up the provider surewest, "my internet's not working on my new computer, fix it now." the 'net people then get me to change some settings but nothing works. we're on speaker phone by the way and he's making plenty comments to the lady on the other side. when it still doesn't work, the lady suggests that it gets put through to advanced techinical support and they should respond within the next 24 to 48 hours!

my mind asks: woman what did you just say!?! that's when the hurricane hit us, "you people operate like you're in the third world, do you realise that i used to have three of your services, tv, phone and internet, and now i'm down to one, is this how you treat your customers, in fact it would be cheaper just to cut surewest off because waiting 24 hours will cost me a lot of money, i'm not some cheap shot. do you know who you are speaking to?" woman pleads, "it's on first come first served basis and there's other customers ahead..." i'm thinking: woman keep going i'm loving this! he refuses to let her go with plenty threats, "put me through to the president of surewest, do you even know what you are doing?" needless to say, in ten minutes we were up and running. damn i love this guy!!

we said our goodbyes in the evening but i'll see him when he comes to europe. he tells me he has plenty airmiles to use. by the way ghana, south africa, mozambique and zimbabwe are also thrown in! it's the way it is.

tattoo my face

2006-05-20T22:45:00.000+01:00

peaches and cream

2006-05-19T11:14:00.000+01:00

dead tired. i think tonight will go down as one of the best nights out i've had in this country. there were way too may people to dance with and 112 were on point. there were peaches alright, and plenty cream! took me way back to 1996. evidence was collected in abundance. i now have to figure out how to post a video to my blog. it's 3am - maybe tomorrow.

postcards to titshi

2006-05-19T02:40:00.000+01:00

i finally said goodbye to the valley and the bay area. train ride was pleasant enough. actually i missed the first evening train because i was busy analysing arsenal's loss at the champions league. took plenty pics on the train. peeps around me must have thought i was crazy and vain - taking pics of myself. i just smiled - for the camera. almost as soon as i got here, sims whisked me away to this place called the monkey bar. didn't even go home to see the old guy i'm staying with. there was no convincing him to at least go bona abadala before partying. got home at two, three suitcases on tow trying to quietly carrying upstairs without waking up the uncle. by the time i woke up this morning he was already at work. so i finally got to see him this evening, after sleeping in his house. so so embarassing. he just laughed at us coz he heard us come in. i like him.

as summer approaches, clocks are moved forward and the sun sets at 10pm, my body's not used to all this. it's just gone 6.30 and i've just had my supper. it feels like lunch. i know that by the time the sun sets i'll be craving for my supper. then bedtime will be at least five hours later. and then almost as soon as you've shut your eyes, the sun pops ups once again. i'm sure this isn't good for the body and its biology. maybe that's why peeps from this end are a bit cranky.

finalised my plans for new york. fly there next week tues with a six hour stop over in phoenix, arizona. obviously, sam and i will leave the airport and get busy taking pictures. also another excuse to buy postcards: i love telling people where i've been, especially the crazy creatures i left in that staff room ko-titshi. i'm sure they love me for thinking about them.

anyway, this evening will not end too soon. sims (now my favourite cousin!) got tickets for a crazy bunch to go see 112 at some trendy joint here. it's the same place that had ne-yo before he was ne-yo NE-YO. gotta create space for plenty pic on camera. by the way, according to the manual, it can take 180 pictures without the battery dying out on you. it won't last as long because i'll probably take more videos.

frisco once again

2006-05-15T23:32:00.000+01:00

sam wanted me to take her to frisco once again on saturday and so off we went - this time with a purpose. san jose is a bigger city but it doesn't have that vibe which a city should have. maybe it's because it's a new and modern city without the character and charm which frisco has.

took the MUNI from the train station. full of Giants fans from the ballpark. people in frisco are crazy. or is it just baseball fans. we were all packed like sardines in that little carriage but the jokes which were flying off were so funny. much unlike the tube in london were everyone sits or stands there like lost zombies. peeeps were interacting in a positve and social way which i found fascinating.

i got off at the embarcadero and sam and i started walking down towards pier 39. but alas... i was stopped by a south african flag. there was me, pretending to be proudly mzansi demanding questions from this girl and her boyfriend on tow at this stall with this flag. then that's when the six degrees of seperation came to play. she's from england - been to SA, Zim, Zamz and Bots. she works with this trust which gets artwork from southern africa and sell it online. they had some cool stuff on sale - njeng' eCity Hall in skies.

anyhoo, about the six degrees of seperation, this girl sounds like a white south african when she speaks but she's actually from oxford. she deals with plenty plus safoes and has picked up the lingo. she's working with groups similar to what my brother's doing and what i also want to get into. she lives in san jose about two blocks from where i work. her boyfriend used to live two streets down from me in bristol, even though we never met. we used to get indian take-out from the same joint - jumbo raj at cotham hill. it's like the bestest indian food outside of india. they've both been to southern africa three times and they wish they were south african (don't we all!!) - not just south african, but they wish they were black south africans. conversation took off like we'd known each other for years, talking about familiar things from three different parts of the world. we ended up munching on some crispy clam strips later on at the fisherman's wharf.

took plenty pictures. tally's on 139 - in two days. i have to weed out the silly ones. also have some videos. yep, my new toy does mpeg-4 videos so not only are they top quality, they are are compressed and hardly take up any memory. but then again, i have 50Mb of internal memory. and there's the big LCD and you can even do voice memo when to take the pic. how's that, voice caption to the photo. as you can imagine, i was busy exploring features up until the battery died. i whimpered and caught the train back home in misery.

my new lover sam

2006-05-15T02:52:00.000+01:00

more sights and sounds. san francisco - or frisco as we like to call it - was next stop on friday. i caught the caltrain, had no idea it only cost five bucks - i'd have been there everyweek. frisco has plenty of charm. it's a smallish city, about the size of skies, but it has this big city feel to it like new york.

took me a while to figure out the public transport situation. the BART and the MUNI have two different purposes and functions and it took me some time for the bell to go ding. anyhoo, i got myself a day passport which let me use the system for the day. it cost eleven bucks!!! it's as bad as the tube in london but it was a lot more fun. riding up califonia street in a century old cable car has its advantages. the views of the city were spectacular. it was all click, wind, click, wind, click, wind. then i took the bus down to fisherman's wharf. as i got pff the bus, there these guys busking on the street - outkast's hey yah. i turned to them and said, "you think you've got it!" they were good.

by that time my camera hit freeze and had to be replaced. i hate disposables. i head into this camera shop and ask the guy for the cheapest disposable they had. he stretches over his back and gets a cheapo six dollar one. then he starts asking me all sorts of questions: where i am? i love tell ing peeps i'm from skies coz they always ask, where's that? what do i do... and so forth. he then goes on to show me their digital cameras. i figure i'll look, i wont buy. big mistake. huge mistake. why?

that's when i fell in love with sam. by the way, she's from south korea and her last name is sung. she's beautiful, petite and comes ready for action. she's perfect. you just push her right buttons and she does what what i tell her - to the tee. no complaining. her functions go beyond the ordinary and her memory's really good. she and i are the perfect match. i agreed to take care of her as long as she does what i tell her. it's a beautiful arrangement. she hasn't complained yet, i don't think she ever will.

bunny people

2006-05-15T02:51:00.000+01:00

so i show up at intel on thursday afternoon. nice brilliant day and i'm ready to explore the hq of this famous chip maker. walk into building, robert noyce, ask the security guy to see the so-and-so who was taking me on a private tour of part of the facility.

i get picked up and we head to almost the other side of the campus on a little golf cart. all around i'm seeing signs: no photography allowed. i'm thinking: i came all this way from the southern tip of africa and i can't have evidence. and the disposable i got from walgreens was bright yellow and red - thanks kodak!

we get into this building, camera still on tow and i'm told that i'll be going into a very sanitised environment and hence i have to dress myself down and then dress myself up to make sure that i have no foriegn bodies on me. okay cool. before that, i have to use the bathroom then rinse my mouth - standard procedure. okay cool. in the bathroom they was this huge disk with chip-like sqaures on it on the wall. coast clear, picture number no. 1. wind camera. press flash button. click. head out, rinse my mouth then the fun starts. i had a locker to put all my stuff in it. goodbye cell phone, goodbye keys, goodbye camera - no, camera stays in pocket - just in case!

then the bunny suit comes on - wasn't that fun! from shoe covers to the hair net (yeah, black man, what hair?) and the hard gear the bits in between were fascinating. it almost felt like being on a tv set. except this was real. one last look at the mirror, yes... i was one of them... the bunny people!

then through this atrium which flushed us with bursts of air, i was in. huge huge room. full of bunny people. all shapes, all sizes. people, people everywhere in white bunny suits. very surreal. i was commandeered to this semi-quiet section where these huge disks - similar to the one in the bathroom. they were behind this giant window. this was the real deal. was informed that was about to be subdivided into small bits was would later become what we know as an intel microprocessor. i was re-educated to the whole idea of silicon being a semiconductor and just how the journey it takes just to construct a simple chip. more walk abouts. what i emjoyed the most was that i just blended in and wasn't conspicuous in my suit. i really was one of them

by the time we finished, i asked if it was possible for me to have the suit - fancy dress party boy was already seeing its future use. no. come through, a billion dollar company can't misplace a bunny suit! it was worth the try. i did manage some self photography when i was de-robing. must process those pics today!!! and when no-one was watching i took even more pics. what was there to lose - a stupid ten dollar camera with pictures i wasn't supposed to take anyway? i got some souvenirs and a polo shirt for my good behaviour.

overall i did a good learning experience which i will tell my children some day. maybe ebay has bunny suits on sale. let's check.

getting back to the sweet life

2006-05-11T20:07:00.000+01:00

breakfast this morning was three bars of snickers down washed with a can of red bull. went to bed pretty late last night - watching way too much tv and catching up on the sopranos season 6. i'll probably see the rest of it next year when it airs on channel 4 in england. have so much packing to do. must buy some boxes and ship all the old stuff by sea. dont really need it in a rush and i'm not prepared to fork out a premium to british airways.

went past walgreens, bought a disposable camera. that makes four cameras that need to be developed. i need to get myself another digital. make my life so much simpler. but for the last thirty minutes i've been taking random pictures outdoors. my first day being unemployed once again and i feel like a tourist. made plans to go check intel hq. pictures will be taken.

i went beaching this past weekend. weather was a beaute and santa cruz was crying for an invasion. we had plenty laughs at the boardwalk. you know, i'm not the biggest fan of amusement parks but they had some real stuff going on with the famous dipper (rollercoaster) and the pendulum thing which looked like it was going to snap mid-air. the water was a bit cold but the surfs where huge. more pics to develop.

i'm busy playing that lenny kravitz tune in my head - fly away. must figure out the chords so that i can strum it. mind you i haven't picked up a guitar in four years so that would be a bit crazy.

in the library right now. it's right next to a local uni and there's armies of students huddled over messes of books, volumes and paper, laptop parked in the middle of the mess. finals week i guess. everyone seems to have a blank expression: i know the feeling and i miss it! overdose of red bull (who remembers bioplus from back ekhaya? - i was hooked during my a' levels), creased clothes (probably slept in them at 4.33am), hair in mess, ububhori by the eyes, constantly scratching your head not to make you think but because it's not geza-ed and it's itchy, getting up from seat every five minutes just to calm your nerves, observing everyone who walks past you aimlessly, checking if you've received any emails in the last two minutes, stretching your arms coz you're way too tired and then bowing down onto book as if the words will magically enter head by osmosis. the sweet life of being a student under pressure.

and then as the time to go sit the exam fast approaches, you gather everything into your bag except that all important crib sheet. you swing the bag over onto your back and instead of leaving for the exam room, you sit down on the same chair with the bag on your back and try to steady your shaking hand and make sense of the scribbles you've made. then you realise that you dont know where the exam room is and find the nearest unoccupied library computer (laptop is in bag already!). you figure out that it's in the law building which you've never set foot in. why why why do they have to do this to me?

yes yes yes, i can't wait to get back to it all.

sick and tired of being sick and tired

2006-05-05T23:18:00.000+01:00

had a long lunch today with two of my superiors at santana row. they really want me to come back and make tons of money in california before the financial services industry shifts to something boring. thereafter we went "window" shopping. now santana row is one of those spots where you either go to a restaurant and just have a coolie or you go to a shop and buy a pair of socks.

the row kinda reminds me of a high street in england, only difference is that it's really high end. flashbacks of tysons galleria in dc came to mind. i'm glad that i went there with people who have a bit of experience in exclusive shopping. the shoes at cole haan and salvatore ferragamo, come thru chum: why isn't shoplifting legal? why can't i just try on and walk away? i'm sick and tired of observing from sidelines. my eyes are tired of all this eye candy. i can touch but not have. maybe being sick and tired is a good thing.

i'll just have to stick to my men's wearhouse and the ten dollar shirts at the vh outlet. bring me down to size just a lil' bit.

ezemsebenzini

2006-05-05T00:44:00.000+01:00

technically i had three days left at the msebenz'. it will be a disaster when i leave. we've already made plans to secretly get drunk during my last day - that's me and two other boys. silly americans. they don't realise that it could be their last day also.

there's plenty i'll miss about this place. it's almost been like living in a big soap opera. where should i begin?

we'll begin at the reception. [names will be changed. california is very litigous.] shamy is now six months preggers by marco but marco got a little somesome-hin goin' on with the new 19 year old girl friday called hyra. shamy, hyra and mia all work at the front desk. now hyra's one of those hyper "oh-my-gosh" girls who's not shy splash her sexual exploits every monday morning at the watercooler. she's also "friends-with-benefits" with gobi. gobi's the guy who had a fight in a men's bathroom at a local club and spent the night in the slammers.

as we move on down the corridor, to the right is an office, don and jon's. don's a 40something year old who's into younger chicks. according to clayton he has a prom date. clayton's a white boy, been divorced twice, three kids and into chocolate sisters. in the heat of the californian sun, he wears a black leather trenchcoat like he's just stepped out of the matrix. jon's about to go his gastric bypass surgery. he's got a fat hairy nose which is hard to avoid and every monday he brings in two trays of left over lasagna which no-one dares to eat.

next office by the conference room is rodney's. he's normal. next is lizzy and corrine. they are the two sweetest mothers in the office. i'm always in there for snacks and herbal teabags. next are rick and tony. haven't really spoken to them. next is gary. here's a guy with about five degrees umpteen professional certificates all plastered on his wall. he competes with roy next door in terms of academic wallpaper.

by this time you would have got to the "back office island cubicles" where all drama occurs. i sit next to marco [already mentioned him] and karina. now she thinks she's a milf and subjects me to countless stories about her 22 year old boyfriend and her trainer at the gym. she's got a "play toy" at the back of her bottom drawer. don't ask me how we found out. on karina's aother side is delia. both ladies have an interesting history. delia was once married to karina's ex-husband [she was the reason karina had her divorce]. now that she's also divorced the guy, they are now best friends. go figure.

across the other way is sandy and andy next to ernie. andy and ernie are my drinking buddies. andy's also a bouncer at this place where we get free cover and drinks sometimes. sandy's always asking me if andy says anything about her. first i thought she was just being paranoid before i figured out that she tells everyone that they are sleeping with each other. tmi - too much information. i'm sorry.

then there's vannie, crazy mexican dude - pretty sure he smokes pot in the parking lot, gobi and clayton, we've heard about them then ben and luisa, who are pretty much normal. further on you hit top management ground. they just make too much to spend. the jag, the monte carlo, the hummer, the three mercs, the m3, the z4, the a8 are evident of their bad spending habits. it's really hard to get into their world but once you're in you don't want to leave. kinda like the malume from ekhaya who overstays his visit.

some boring souls were ommitted. so now do you see why some happy spirits are needed on the work floor? i'm going to miss this place.

kuze kuyovalwa

2006-05-01T21:11:00.000+01:00

impromptu. friday, 7.14pm. i get a phone call. i am told to be ready by 7.45pm. not a hard thing to do considering that i'm a bloke. i eventually get picked up at 8.20 and am told that we are going to san francisco. okay, mina being the thathekile guy, i was game. two guys, three girls, four nationalities being represented.

i hadn't really been to the city on a jaiva-ring spree and the 40 minute ride seemed endless. the guy in charge of plans definitely knew where he was going. dinner was at this uber-cool senegalese joint called bissap baobab and late night at the club next door, little baobab. i've been to countless african themed places to eat and groove and they are usually the run down type in the true african sense, with shady characters after your wallet and car - kalabash in bristol and that one in croydon, 187, 791, whatever it's called. it was so refreshing to go to a really trendy african joint with such a vibey crowd.

eat-wise at bissap, i was impressed. i've had not-so-good experiences with west african eateries in england but my reservations were lost after i had this senegalese roasted lamb served with couscous and an okra-based sause. it's about time! in the western world, cuisine from almost everywhere is thriving: chinese, thai, indian, mongolian, japanese, etc but hardly ever from somewhere in sub-saharan africa. the drinks - cheap too, five dollar cocktails, FIVE dollars, beers are three bucks - real cost effective boozing!!!! i was hooked to their sarange, a ginger orange margarita. it went down real good.

around the corner, little baobab had the biggest cosmopolitan party in this country. if california is a melting pot, that place is way past boiling point - young crowd in the right mood. the music, the music: sitshayi dombolo dombolo. nice mix of west african, bhangra, dancehall, reggeaton, bits of hip hop - it was everything but the commercial bubblegum crap from the mainstream. clubs can sometimes be stuffy and cliquey. well this was some celebration in the truest african sense. mina and mdanso go hand to arm phela. but i must say that i had to take notes from this tall dark boy from the gambia obegqok' iyembe eluhlaza. it was like as though he had no bones in his qolo. the dj's played what we wanted them to play, so i requested anything south african. what i got was a screaming brenda fassie telling us to party kuze kuyovalwa. i finally got the jolt that my spine needed. i can now leave this country happy. and when premier gaou came on, my people thought i was weeping. yes i know that my legs shaking rhythmically and that my left hand was over the left eye and that my right hand was on my heart and that i had a facial expression of complete agony. yes it was painful, i was in anguish. such music causes pain. they didn't understand. they'll never understand.

i just checked out their website: www.bissapbaobab.com. they had this interesting description:

"After your meal, take a few steps around the corner to the Little Baobab. Bursting with energy, this little juke joint has a big heart that beats to the rhythms of music from around the world. Feel its friendly, casual atmosphere - dance to the DJs while enjoying our famous ginger cocktails and exotic imported beers. Step outside for a breath of air, and you will find yourself surrounded by languages and conversation from around the world. Every night is its own event as people gather to celebrate life and living."

words just cannot describe it.

uNcomi

2006-04-29T01:20:00.000+01:00

this is a story about my grandmother, uNcomi

there's plenty special about ugogas wam' - that is my father's mother. she was born almost a century ago. in those days, specific dates were inferred by the wars that were going on, how big a harvest they had, the season of the year and the position of the moon. so when the makhiwas came with their weird ideas of days, months and years, it all seemed too foreign to her family.

uNcomi is a great storyteller. once she gets going she doesn't stop. she has the power to turn the simplest tale into an interesting chronicle of events, so vivid you'd think they had recently happened. my earliest memory of her is probably of me running away from her half naked ekhaya. but i wasn't as bad as my older brother. you see, uNcomi was popular in the area from her star quality beer. utshwala obujiyileyo obusuthisayo. the secrets to her brewing techniques hidden in the kitchen rondavel - two dug out mbizas, each with a capacity of about 200 litres. now, my bro, town boy ohlal' emasofeni, sees these 'holes' and thinks, 'ah, nansi i-toilet'. ugogo kasam' tshayanga bo. the words, "ucamel' embizeni yam' wena mfana kaJeki!" still ring in my ears.

whenever we stayed with her during our school holidays, she'd wake us up way before the sun was up with her mthanyelo, commanding us to our morning chores. mina loGuy (my dear cousin) had the ardous task of milking the goats. now that was an artform in its own right. from the way we entered the sibaya, to senga-ring the beasts, to letting out amaziyane, to ketha-ring amaziyane, to xotsha-ring imbuzi out egangeni. ugogo would have tea topped with goats milk: itiy' ejiyileyo. at that time, we were inexperienced to venture into the big sibaya with the nkomo, so we just watched uPhiri from the sidelines. [to this day, i dont think i can senga a cow properly] at the nd of the holiday she would line us and give us each i-two bhobho eyomphako.

uNcomi never liked going to town. she was very content with just being around the home she had lived in since the 1920s. one interesting story which shaped my very destiny still rings in my ear. you see, ukhulu uMqweqwe [bless his soul] never believed in education. he was adamant that his sons would look after his cattle, grow up, marry the locals girls and live the life he lived. uNcomi thought otherwise. whilst yelusa-ring the nkomos, she would cut long reeds of dry grass and secretly store them. when she had gathered enough, she would sell it as prize roofing material. the money she made from her sales was secretly stashed away eqaqeni behind the kitchen. the money was then used to send her boys to schools far and beyond. clever woman.

old age has caught to with her but her body seems to defy the nature. a cocktail of amaphilisi keep her heart ticking and her soul warm. she still makes amacansi but the failing eyes make the task ten times as difficult. she suffers from chronic backache which she calls igunkuya likaMeja. let me explain. uMeja (Major in english) is a relative who she had fight with four decades ago. He ended up almost beating her to death with a nduku and to this date her back hasn't healed.

she is affectionately known to everyone as ugog' umgane. this is because she calls anyone and everyone mgane. this is what makes her a special person. she becomes your friend almost immediately after meeting you. kodwa, get on her wrongo side, the mgane switches to bhoyi! as though as she was tempting fate, she starting calling us amaNgilandi from when we were very young because we spoke such brilliant english. little did she know that those very 'Ngilandi's would end up eNgilandi. now her poor soul regrets using those words because she doesn't get to see us anymore.

sign of the times

2006-04-28T20:19:00.000+01:00

some signs and notices are very laughable. this is what i read this morning:

Bad Boys Bail Bonds (coz yo momma wants you home)

Dr Hellen Miller (transpersonal therapist)

on a packet of cashew nuts (warning: contents may contain nuts)

what more can i say?

definition of marriage

2006-04-27T19:38:00.000+01:00

tuesday at the msebenz' we had some pretty good discussions about life and what our dreams and goals were. we chatted way into the wee hours of the morning and i absolutely enjoyed picking everyone's brains, especially one of our millionaire bosses. he himself is a business owner and he's got some interesting theories. he sure picked my brain too.

he asked me to define marriage. me reckons two people who love each each and can't live without each other decide to stick rings on their fingers and live happily ever after [ever after bit bieng rare in this part of the world]. however his definition, obviously from his personal experience of 27 years, struck an interesting chord with me: two people who love each each, completely self-reliant in their ways, can live WITHOUT each other, complementing their strengths to make a power couple, much like evenly-yoked oxen. it hardy ever works if one person has a greater circle of influence than the other.

oh really. hmmm. i suppose northern cali has different rules. but then again he did make a bit of sense. i have a friend from back home who almost got married this girl he loved to get her across the oceans to live with him. but then again, it would almost always be at the back of his mind that he dragged her over while she would constantly be under the shadow of owing her new and pleasant life to him. it could last but maybe not work at all.

i've never imagined myself as the marriage type and yet all my school friends have tied the knot and are popping out kids. i've had the honour of kapha-ring on so many occassions. in fact i'm busy planning a stag do in my capacity as best man for another wedding this summer. and there's the other mtshado i have to practice steps for later in autumn. i'm really happy for all my friends because they've struck gold. here i am now, trying to find the definition of marriage.

radio 3

2006-04-26T19:16:00.000+01:00

busy listening to sunchyme, thanks afro! it's such an uplifting tune. it takes me way back to the days of kelvin s on radio 3 [what's it called now?]. ever since i left skies, i dont think i've ever listen to the radio as much as i did with 3. it seems so foreign after the days of familiar voices. soul supreme kelvin s, parkie's breakfast show, james maridadi, peter jones, sophie chamboko, the hitman, the chu man witness matema, joe hussien, bubblin' b bridget gavanga, tsitsi mawarire, otis the flow, the cool mo dee davis mugadza, tich mataz, prince of the airwaves kelvin ncube. i wonder if they do podcasts for us to download and just listen. the good old days of holiday homework in the dining room with radio 3 blasting from the lounge. somebody please take me back home!

from maDube

2006-04-24T23:28:00.000+01:00

How much do you think people should value history
in determining their views on issues that deal
with society? How much does history matter to
you? This is totally random, but I figured why
not ask you seeing as you like to analyze things.
I am trying to bridge a gap between complete
ignorance and some sort of knowledge of things and
the world around me.

mina can't think these days? answers please!

vegas bay-bee

2006-04-24T23:23:00.000+01:00

so early saturdee, we pile into a chevy tahoe (damn i want that suv), four of us, plenty food, booze and snooze covers. eleven hours later we were in sin city. i'm afraid i can't tell. what happens in vegas, stays in vegas! soooorrrreeeee.

fake it 'til i make it

2006-04-17T18:21:00.000+01:00

why do we blog? why do we keep record of whatever we are going through on such a public bathroom wall for the world to come and piss on it - literally. i have no qualms about that fact, it's just a thought that crossed my mind.

yeah, so i've gotta get out of this place. just when i was getting cosy with the carefree sun-worshippers, i have to go back to the grumpy old farts who hide under their brollies. i really dont think i've had enough of this place. i don't think i can ever get enough of this place. it's very unique, a melting pot of some sort with plenty of dreamers like myself. seriously, peeps here have such big dreams and ideas on how to get rich and it makes me sick sometimes. i want to stick around, i also want a piece of that pie - the american pie! but uncle sam doesn't want to share. so, we will just take matters into our own hands and give ourselves what we don't have.

one thing i hate in this part of the world are the complainers!! for the love of cod, stop bitching and go fishing! don't you realise that you live in the land of opportunity. money, success, fortune is just thrown at you and you just have to catch it as it comes. as for us, zimbos, things can be tight. uncle sam might mistake us for one of bob's cousins and cut us off the fund. [well, he has for me!!].

so i have come up with a new mantra [whatever that means!]. from now on i will introduce myself as zimbabwean by birth, british by education and american by choice. in fact, i'll get it printed on a t-shirt in BOLD letters. yeah baby! i'm going to fake it 'til i make it!

ses' fikile

2006-04-16T00:03:00.000+01:00

have we arrived as african musicians?

well this morning on mtv2 i was in complete shock to see and hear thandiswa belt her tune lahl'umlenze. i seriously had to pinch myself to make sure i was in the right country. then afterwards skwatta kamp had their clap song, qakeza-ring their zandlas!

lathi ses' fikile!

looking forward

2006-04-15T23:46:00.000+01:00

i'm leaving on a jetplane. i might as well leave this country next month. i dont feel dejected or a bit lost nor do i wish things worked out somewhat differently, i'm kinda looking forward to the 'k. there's plenty i miss about england. let's see:

- there's the rain!! constantly!!
- and there's the mud (udaka!)
- sour old ladies who push and shove you at bus stops
- the yob's who hate black people
- slave labour (emashiftini)
- cranky roads
- the language (innit!)
- proper parties with abantu bekhaya
- the local pub for some footie
- quirky club culture
- and the queen is 80 this year (london ngo-june for parades)
- summer rain (all summer!!)

it's all waiting for me.

a bit of lenny

2006-04-15T23:45:00.000+01:00

I wish that I could fly
Into the sky
So very high
Just like a dragonfly

I’d fly above the trees
Over the seas in all degrees
To anywhere I please

Oh I want to get away
I want to fly away

Oh I want to get away
I want to fly away

Let’s go and see the stars
The milky way or even mars
Where it could just be ours

Let’s fade into the sun
Let your spirit fly
Where we are one
Just for a little fun

i want to be rich

2006-04-08T09:53:00.000+01:00

had an event on a yacht out in the pacific. oh goodness. i even got some small recognition as a rising star. the food. the drinks. the skepe. it felt as though i had touched a million bucks. loved every second and microsecond.

then... then... when we got back on dry land, the one of the bigshots had a party in one of his suite at the hyatt - 30th floor. let me take from the beginning.

you get out of the elevator. you walk down the hall to the double doors at the end. there is a doorbell. since when has a hotella had a doorbell. his fiance opens the door and greets us with a smile. she tells us to help ourselves to the drinks in kitchen and food in the dining room. okaaaaaay! as you walk in, immediately to the left is the first bathroom, then the kitchen, through the kitchen is the dining room which overlooks the city. this leads to a spectacular lounge which overlooks the bay. kenny g is playing. the sound system is bose. then you head back past the office, computer on second desk, to the bedroom. four poster bed with mint chocolates from when housekeeping made the bed. on either side of bed are doors which lead into two other bathrooms. each bathroom has a dressing room. there's also a discrete safe in there. did you notice: three bathrooms in one suite!!!

okaaaaaay!

ever admired something but didn't want to make too too obvious that you were in shock. you try your best to hide the glee in your eyes but you cant get rid of it. and you want to mamaza to someone but there's no-one. the level of class in there. i should check online how much it is for a night. dude, hyatt obviously outdoes hilton. pity that i only walked out with a napkin.

hah! room service kept the food and drink going. have never had so much calamari. if this is the life, damn, i just want to be rich.

mahotella kings

2006-04-08T02:33:00.000+01:00

'munt' omnyama - yep that's me. and i'm extreeeemely proud of the fact that we make such a fuss over the smallest things. i used to think that i had a msalala trained mind but nay, i am a garden salad through and through. phela for thina, ukuhlal' ehoteleni is still a huge deal. especially if they are on the upper end of the spectrum. it earns bragging rights on a stupid blog. [ukhokho ka-paris lo nicky really created a brand. bengiyicinsa lami!]

drove down with two guys from work and i now find myself at this city by the mexican border. checking in to the hotella was breezy. it's in the trendiest part of town and they put us in these cool suites. no sharing - this is even better. to even get to our floor you need to use your key card in the elevator. okay! dont laugh please, umfana wekhaya is experiencing new zintos. anyway, that bed is lush. no mani. why cant the bed i sleep on everyday be so comfy? kuthwa yi-therapitic kumbe yi-therapetic. asikwazi thina! even the mqamelos hug your neck. when you toss and turn, it's like getting a full body massage.

obviously, all the tv channels had to be surfed. bona konke phela. then inspect the armoire and drawers under the table. flip thru the mags on the coffee tafula. then we decided to check out the scene in town. here on a free trip, why not make the best of it. so, sh.t, shower, shave and then off to a bit of mdanso. we only had a one round then decided we were tired and needed our sleep.

then this morning before i took off to the msebenz' gatherings, i did the real munt' omnyama thing. hanti you know those tiny bottles of shampoo, conditioner and whatever else smells mnandi in the bathroom. i had some left over so i stashed them in my suitcase. ah, it's all paid paid. i checked when i got back, housekeeping has already replenished.

oh, nkosi yam'. one more night!

april's fool

2006-04-01T21:06:00.000+01:00

is there such a thing as sleep-talking into your cellphone? well, my older bhudi called me from the queen's land last night. here's the catch. i had yozela-ed with telly on, completely knocked out, and the next minute i phaphama with phone clamped to ear in mid conversation. i honestly have no idea when how i answered the phone. i have no recollection of what i said before i realised what i was saying. by that time - 11 whole minutes into the phonecall - he already had the upper hand and was in fits of laughter asking me all sorts of questions. for a second i even thought i was the one who had called him. hayi bo, it's been a while since i felt so stupid. i guess this year, i'll be april's fool!

yindaba so?

2006-03-30T19:03:00.000+01:00

uyazi ukuthini, angibasol' abazali bami for saying the things they say ngabantu abavela enyakatho lase mpumalanga kwelakithi. some random jaha messaged me encwadini lobuso and so i phendula-ed in a very nice and friendly manner ngesintu. nansi i-transcript.

jaha lenyakatho: makadiko vakuru kurisei ikoko
mina wasezansi: tiripo! hatshi sikhona, linjani lina khonangapho?
jaha lenyakatho: ndarasika nechindeki's icho baba

yindab' abantu laba benje so? kuyangicaphula mina. ngiphelelwe! i need a good response. alikelingincedise phela bobhoyi!

the escort

2006-03-25T21:36:00.000Z

this guy at work has sorta promised to lend me is jalopy ford escort. he's getting it smog checked and registered and i'll be good to go. i like those cars. in fact back home we have a 1974 model which my 'rents never got around to selling it because of the sentimental value that it had appreciated over time. why sell to someone who'll abuse while we would drive it once a week and polish it for four hours?

we love that car to bits. it's orange in colour and everytime i'd drive it, friends would call it the "yellow submarine" - it's so old you'd wonder when it would sink! that never seemed to bother us. the fact that it got us from alpha to beta mattered. forget that some pipes are sunga-ed with rekeni, forget that half the rear view mirror's missing, forget that second gear doesn't really work and that you have to skip from one to three, forget that you avoid driving it when it rains - you might get wet, forget all those things. we love our old escort!

but one day... there's always a "but" to every tale. i was home for the weekend. this is when i was working in some forgotten school. my mama asked me to take it for a spin because the car hadn't been moved for at least 6 weeks. anything for our little old lady. the battery had obviously died and we spent half an hour pushing it down our street [full view of the neighbours] until we got it working. the plan was to take it to mr exhaust, mr tyre [duze leBSS] and get the battery recharged.

i casually drove into town, nursing it every step of the way making sure that it didn't decide to die out on me. when i got to 4th ave and robert mugabe way, i was suddenly getting stares from people. unbeknownst to me, i was leaving a trail of smoke behind [half the rear view mirror was missing]. i pull into my destination and the guy comes running out of the shop screaming, "imota yakho iyatsha!" - meaning, your car's burning. here's the scene: i'm surrounded by plenty parked cars outside a workshop with goodness knows what's flammable. a brand new gas station is across the road. ergo, potential disaster.

so i jump out, the car's still moving, i jump back in, turn off the ignition, jump out, look around, oh ma gaad, jump back in, take it out of gear, jump out, start pushing backwards - alone! everyone from the nearby busy market street - for those who know sixth ave in skies - is staring in total awe. jump back in pull the bonnet thingie, jump back out, yank the hood up and thankfully some guy puts the fire out. by this time, a crowd has gathered - and typical of abantu - they are all staring and whispering to each each.

i rush to my aunt maddy who has a pharmacy on the same block. she's practically my second mother. she called my mama to let her know that our darling car had became a bit too hot to handle. ma just laughed it off but i knew she also grieving. anyhoo, we got her towed home and almost immediately called uncle silas next door. he's fixed our cars for yonks!

i took him at least 12 months to breathe some air into her lungs. she's got bits of a datsun 120Y under that hood but she is moving now. she remains with a big burn scar however. we kept it as a reminder to the day my life literally flashed back at me!

you're beautiful

2006-03-24T05:12:00.000Z

[i overheard this at the office]

guy: has anyone ever told you thatt you're beautiful?
girl: actually yeah, i get lotsa compliments!
guy: gee, i'm not surprised.
girl: well, if it wasn't for the nose job, the chin lipo, the fake tan, the fake nails, the hair extensions, the atkins diet and a very strict trainer at the gym, i really dont know where i'd be!

this is california bay-bee!

i'll always take the train

2006-03-23T01:44:00.000Z

the reason why i haven't started driving yet is because i figured i need the money more than the convenience. besides i get to meet the real people of america. ergo, i still take the train. i had a long lunch - one of the days - and decided to go check out eBay on north first street.

these kids get on the train. one is wearing a shirt and tie, the other a t-shirt.

t-shirt kid: so how long have you been on probation
with tie kid: about a year [this is when my cellphone was brought out recording purposes]
t: that long!
w: yeah, i keep on getting caught violating. first i was on for six weeks, then it was extended to three months, then six, then a year, then i went to prison and when i got out then gave me a year's probation. [methinks: okay, this kid's into some crazy sheeee]
t: that's real bad man, this is first time on probation.
w: really, how old are you?
t: 19, turn 20 next month.
w: you're 19 and this your first time. man, i was 12 when i went on my first probation. [methinks: oh my goodness, he's actually bragging]
t: yeah, but i've been to prison five times [methinks: okay, we have a contest]
w: so do you still do some shit.
t: yeah i do but stop five days before i get tested.
w: you also get tested every two weeks?
t: yeah i do.
w: you know what i do, i still do coke, weed and some other shit and the day before i get tested i drink a glass of baking soda in water.
t: does it work?
w: of course it does. what you have to do is take a good piss before you drink it. make sure you get rid of all the piss in your system, drink it and dont piss until you go in for testing.
t: and that works?
w: it works for me and i've never been caught [methinks: hang on, this is the kid who has had his probation periodically extended because he has been caught several times]
t: i should try that [methinks: you gotta be stupid]

i love this country!

confessions at the dinner table

2006-03-23T01:20:00.000Z

we had a small saint pats dinner on sunday [sorry my blogs suffer from delayed action] and we had couple of pints of guinness. actually, copious amounts. shona and scott from across the road are of irish heritage and so they had plenty of stash to share.

dinner was cool. plenty potato, carrot, asparugus, spam, corned beef... you know the stuff the had to stop the famine all those centuries ago. to be honest i cannot stand guinness: bitter, thick and has to be chewed before swallowing. what really gets me is the after taste, or rather the trail of foam leading from the tip of tongue through the buccal cavity straight past the pharynx and down the oesophagus. makes you squeasy, innit? however, after a few sips [pints maybe], the tastes buds adjust according and the rest just flows.

then it was time to confess to our patron saint, patrick.

me first [always the one who's mawala-rizing!]: when i was 13 in my first year of high school [boarding school too] i, with the help of a friend who shall remain nameless - actually it was ross - went shopping in the local village [growth point!] near the school. now the village at the time had a plethora of speciality shops, boutiques, sidewalk cafes and very lively street markets. unfortunately for us, it was almost end of term and hence had very little, if any, cash reserves. we ventured into a shop called sheelah's. i can still vividly recall the shop assistant perched on a wooden crate by the door, staring into oblivion with a feather duster clamped under her armpit, picking her teeth with a piece of grass from a mthanyelo. ross, being the white guy, acted as decoy whilst i went in for the kill. you know, the white guy keeps chips while the black guy steals. just like in the movies. i sauntered to the back of the store started searching frantically for anything edible that was stealable. i went in for the kill, stuck my stash inside my blazer pocket and we ran for it, leaving the shop keeper staring into oblivion. what was new? coast clear, i took out my prize possesion: a jar of peanut butter. as so, we spent the rest of the afternoon scooping peanut butter behind the hammond huts with our fingers. man, was it good!

two eggs?

2006-03-18T21:52:00.000Z

this is one of those arb stories at the back of my head.

you know 18 months ago, a couple of weeks before my summer break to toronto, i paid my dentist a visit. it had been a long while and hence i needed two cleaning sessions (one for each layer of build up) and two or three fillings. the cleaning went really well - gums being prodded and jabbed by some instrument. then came the fillings days later.

however, one of my fillings developed a life of its own and decided to cause some sort of irration. yeah, you know when you gum decides "hell no!" and rejects the foreign body. there's obviously plenty pain involved. and we know just how bad a toothache can be.

anyhoo, this was me on a saturday in bristol, total agony, i call the emergency hotline and they told me to wait until monday. 48 hours of torture. i was advised to seek some pain remedies from my local chemist. okay. i walked from my little studio to cheltenham road by the arches (prime student area in bristol) and bang, there's a seedy chinese shop which sells all sorts of cures from the far east. i'm sure they have something for an aching tooth. i walk over to the pleasant man with his inviting smile.

me: do you have anything for a toothache?
him: excuse me.
me: do.. you.. have.. any.. thing.. for.. a.. tooth.. ache..?
him: ah, wait right there.

he walks around to the back. 17 seconds pass. he walks back to the counter with a small box the size of a matchbox in his hand. he shows it to me. it has a man's face on it. the man is smiling.

him: you take this, a little bit and you rub it.
me: what's a little bit?
him: a tiny little bit and you rub on there until it is hard.
me: until what's hard?
him: you rub this down there until it is hard [gesturing to the area below my belt]
me: hang on. i need something for my toothache. my tooth hurts. [finger point inside mouth]
him: oh oh, sorry. i thought you meant two eggs.

the laughter that followed cured me for a good two days.

this woman..

2006-03-15T21:40:00.000Z

.. on the train. okay she's vietnamese. her phone rings. she answers the call. she starts screaming into the mouth piece. chiang wawa sheng thong thu fucking stupid chow pho shwa ho yong hung foo fucking stupid hee tho chow wa theo uu ngo phui chu thung fucking stupid. she hangs up the phone. the phone rings. chiang chu how hong fucking stupid hong chu phui thou gong fong kong fucking stupid...

the train driver comes out of his little driving cabin. kicks her off the train. she replys. thou chung fong knog thu phui pho fucking stupid, as she calmly exits the carriage. well good morning america!

and then there was the party...

2006-03-15T21:16:00.000Z

saturday last was a blast. one of my superior's other half had a birthday party and so off to the mdanso we went. [sorry for the late entry!]

it was a rather chilly evening. the moon was out and the neighbours dogs were barking. i had no trouble finding the place. emman b [friend in new york] interrupted me with a very drunk phone call from some high society cognac party in manhattan. another reason for me to hate him. he works on wall street and brags about the banker's wives he bonks. yes emman b. you heard me right.

anyhoo, back to the party in the valley. anyone and everyone from the office was there. even the ones who come across as the 'non-party' types. just as i got there i was greeted by a massive fire spitting display from a woman fire-eater. wow. okay. i guess they really go all out here to impress. typical californians. yeah, it was a spectacular display and litttle african soul in me was in awe.

afterwards, i interrogated dann for the nearest cervezas. yes, just point me to the beers and i'll be happy. i then started my beer marathon - haven't gone out in yonks - and that heinekken went down nicely. then it was off to the taco bar outside - yes, they had these mexican guys making tacos outside! oooh, were they nice?

then the volume was cranked up, the lights were dimmed and the dj started playing the commercial hogwash which we all girate to aimlessly. but it was good. those moms who go off to pick up little jasons and ashleys from soccer practice and piano lessons had mutated into these disco divas. i was dragged onto the dance floor. no wonder those forty-something year olds didn't bring their geeky silicon valley husbands. they were out to grab our young boy flesh. at that point i switched on the msawawa mode and we started killing it. i should have taken my own music.

i now have been officially invited to the christmas office party. there's a fund at the office for my airticket. i cannot afford to miss the party of the year.

so sick

2006-03-14T17:58:00.000Z

rewind just a bit. you know last december sims and i went to this club in sacramento called avalon. we got in for free as we were on the VIP guest list. dont ask me how. it was a really good evening - as most nights out are. it was also my first night out in cali.

after all the break dancing and admiring the latinas gracefully shaking their booties, we were interrupted by a crackling microphone and some black dude shouting inaudibly at the masses. there was to be a live act. we all know how annoying live acts can be in clubs. no offence at all but some of these wannabe tupacs and kenny latimores should remain wannabes in the shower.

after a good 120 seconds, some guy came onto the microphone. i really didn't hear his name during the introduction [didn't bother to find out] but he was supposedly the 'next usher'. and he could sing. the girls went wild, sims even said that he was going to be big. i didn't think much of it. people who disturb our fun at clubs!!

as it turns out, that guy happens to be ne-yo. his album is driving girls crazy this end. it's number 1 on the billboard charts - and his song, so sick [also number 1 on the singles chart], is being abused on the airwaves. i am so sick.

ah heyi...

2006-03-07T01:34:00.000Z

yes please. what a langa i have had! and ngikhanuk' ekhaya too good. who can i speak to ngesiNdex? damn!! anyhoo, 'tis 5.33 and i'm about to bounce. today was productive and i feel alive and happy. i had my first close. yes, the lady signed the dotted lines thanks to my fine work! this company will rake in lots of money because of moi. it sure feels good. one amp and a thousand volts - bursting right now. the coulombs are killing me! my adrenaline's on high! i just want to talk to someone but... there's no-one. hmmm... now i'm sad!

namhlanje i rediscovered the internet community that i have been neglecting. hi5, campushopper, facebook, friendster, bebo.. the thing is there are so many of these, it's really hard to keep up with the rest of the dot coms. please people forgive me. this work life cycle is really eating up my life. if only life was "the college life". to think that the next forty years will consist of more deadlines, closures, meetings, presentations, collars and ties, cold coffee, paper cuts, briefcases and insane office humour. i've got a feeling i'm going to love every bit of it.

bite me

2006-03-02T18:05:00.000Z

this morning walking out of my door some dog came after me snarling and sheee. some guy was walking it without a leash. i'm used to vicious dogs, we used to have five! i didn't move hoping it would bite. a huge part of me wanted it to. it would hurt for a week or two but the lawsuit would last at least ten years. imagine the pain and suffering, loss of wages, skin grafts, etc. damn dog didn't bite!!

one of those...

2006-02-28T01:05:00.000Z

today has been one of those days when one wonders why. yes, just why? i had a marathon of monday morning meetings which totally drained me - four hours!! my presentation left a lot to be desired and i had question after question on scenario after scenario. i also didn't mention two crucial filters in our system which made me look rather unprepared. i guess i thought it would go smoothly - like the easy college gwans i always aced - the real world operates differently. there's real money at stake not made up textbook figures!

my only saving grace is that two other sets of knuckles got rapped - and those two guys have been with the company for over 8 months.

i'm been trying to register for a complicance exam to take it later on this week in San Francisco but there's hurdles on that straight as well. argh! right now i'm tired, hungry, irritable, pissed off, agitated and i just want to go home. oh yes, by the way, it's raining today. and it will continue to do so for the rest of the week.

woza friday

2006-02-24T20:39:00.000Z

it's already friday. i'd complain about my very poor social scene but i wont. actually, one of the owners of fahrenheit ultra lounge, the joint that plays deep house, has invited me over for one or two. i may just saunter there early evening. i might run into some brunette and win her over with my charm.

who am i kidding?

i've had one of those weeks when one feels like punching the wall. but i wont, i have more sense that. i have plenty to be grateful for and so i will not complain. today is supposed to be payday. i should check if it's gone through into my bank account. that should give me a reason to celebrate. the last paycheck i had was six months ago. yes, there's a reason to crank up the volume. the little cd player/stereo which is hid in the kitchen will be brought out at 3.30pm to the main floor. we shall make ourselves look stupid. and my inspiration is from this bunch.

irrelevantly...

2006-02-24T00:15:00.000Z

how am i supposed to develop a pitch? argh!! bladdy presentation getting on my bladdy nerves and my bladdy brain refuses to bladdy work. bladdy work gets up my nose. 'tis 4.17pm. most normal people are commuting to their makhayas but lo' and behold, moi here is still stretching his neck muscles in between the m'godi and the water cooler. i've decided to break protocol and stop being the goody goody act - use the work pc for work related issues only - as stated in the contract. i've officially reneged. it's called corporate backsliding - you try your best to conform to the rules but end up reaching some breaking point. it's a matter of time before some devil in IT figures out i've been out in blogosphere and rats on my sorry ass.

i need redemption.

high risk strategies, solvencies, credit rating, grade based, tax deferred, new provisions, riders, waivers, long term, short term...

it's all irelevant!!

overheard....

2006-02-23T21:50:00.000Z

www.overheardintheoffice.com
www.overheardinnewyork.com

relevantly speaking

2006-02-23T20:59:00.000Z

i think i've lost it. my life takes place in a cubicle of a well lit air conditioned space. directly infront of me is a desk - plain, wooden. on it rests a pile of colour coded files next to the monitor. one of it is open. it lists boring acronyms and arrays of numbers with no meaning. i wish i had a window. then i'd look out at the street, count the cars that drive by or watch the birds fly away. argh, get with it. there's a paper cup of cold coffee four hours old. at the time of buying it, it seemed relevant to fit the persona of a busy broker rushing to the office. a phone rings. wish it was mine. give me something to entertain me. i think i'll go prod my chorb in front of the bathroom mirror. and then i'll pass by the kitchen and play with the micro. then i could kick the soda machine and hope a can pops out. drat. hmmmm. what can i do to look busy? i'll pick up the phone and pretend to call someone. no, i'll go to try send a fax to my cellphone. hmmm. let's see, what pdf manual can i send to the printer? and then i'll wait by the printer for the 235 pages. i wish it was dot matrix. hmmm.

outside this building i wonder if i'll ever be as relevant as i wish to be. there's so much i'd like to do but there are powers greater than i am that are set on controlling my progress. why this world works on bureaucracy and red tape bedazzles me. anyhoo, hope lingers at the end of the tunnel in the form of uncle sam smiling at me.

i have a calling card. i'll call my sweet likkle sis. she has suddenly found relevance if her life. attacking form sikisi with two languages in a cloister of nuns rings appropriate at this juncture of her life. long live the relevance of her saladry.

snow for show

2006-02-18T20:18:00.000Z

this week i've had to contend with over excited, overgrown kids because the temperatures dipped below freezing - for a couple of hours. Oh yes, we had ground frost in the valley. a spectacle in this neck of the woods. further up the hills on either end of the valley, the tips are capped with snow. the entire city has swopped their shorts and t-shirts for parkas and snow boots. okay, it is cold.... but it's not THAT cold. just a couple of jumpers and a pair of light gloves will do the job. for crying out loud, the white powder's on the hills, not down here.

funny chords strike when i realise that even i, who grew up in sweltering heat, knows what real cold is.

house in order

2006-02-16T02:27:00.000Z

there's two sides to this house.

the happy side: i seem to score more and more points by the day with the house music. [props to the supplier] i think i have started a trend here in silicon valley. people are girating to the sounds of mzansi and it's killing me. i keep on having to translate lyrics [not an easy task - some phrases have no english equivalent] i just say forget the words and absorb the beat. ever noticed that white people dance to the words and not the beat!! honestly, play kanye west and watch. i'm tempted to take it a step further and convince some club or bat that i am a legit dj, only to screw up completely. they'll never know.

the sadder side: i was ordered to go home today and write myself a will. yes! one is never too young to boss people around from the grave. these insurrance people i work with are chastising me. at least i'll have peace of mind of what will happen to my whacky t-shirt collection and my 15 CDs (and that's not bank accounts). life does go on!

mr actuary

2006-02-15T02:25:00.000Z

did i mention that i will be car shopping this week. being greasy has its payoffs. one, two, three offers for the kid from africa. people at work are just too too kind. the only part i'm dreading is the risk factor my actuary might just slap me with. i can't even cut a deal at work!!

this week, i have the pleasure of working with the boring, yet interesting sods. with my maths background i hope not to turn out like some characters i've met.

picture this:

who works out the efficiency of the strides one takes to the elevator?

how many people set a stop watch and wait exactly 6 minutes and some odd seconds before their coffee cools down?

and those bowties!! dress code, please!

everything in life is a risk, even going to the bathroom!

... my week in insurance is promising!

dave and busted

2006-02-15T01:57:00.000Z

my landlord's son (N) and his girlfriend (K) from canada are in townfor the weekend and are camping in our backyard. he's a personablefellow and she's a bright sparky blonde. anyhoo, we all decide to goout on saturday to dave and busters. those who don't know dave andbusters - it's an amusement arcade for grown ups with no social life.literally. they do some pretty tasty food too. but the joint was waypacked on saturday. i had no idea so many people in the valley had NOlives.

anyhoo, two hour wait on a table for five (yes two hour!!), so we ventured into the huge games room for a bit of air hockey and carracing - DAYTONA (yeah baby!). it's such a coool thing that theypromote drinking and driving - we must have had 4 rounds on emptystomachs and so driving skills were, um, rather challenged. that wasbefore we answered our call for food, which we devoured shamelessly.

then back to the races (i had a couple of points to prove). by thattime, the joint was now pretty packed and so my troop had to wait abit while i went to fetch the coolies. why is it always me who's eagerfor the bar? anyhoo, on my way back, i notice K have some altercationwith a large black woman. K turns her back to her and the LBW hurls abox a chips at her. (me thinks: oh my goodness, let this night not endto early). fortunately (or unfortunately - depending on how you wouldhave liked the situation to pan out), K just walked away in disgustand the LGW took straight to the door.a huge part of me was really disappointed that i didn't get to see thejuicy bits for my blog. anyhoo, shortly after that, we were asked to leave.

damn, busted!

sitcon

2006-02-08T21:51:00.000Z

mood: happy - skiving work
listening to: diba diba
today: sun sun sun

i like comedy right. my entire existence seems to be a comedy (of errors!). i always seem to stumble into so many seriously wrong things which happen to add some spice to my life. i should have a camera following me. i would have a cool reality sitcom (or sitcon). ha ha.

i like sitcoms you know. stupid plots which reflect real life. one such kind i've enjoyed from way back (zim) is will and grace. flat chested grace, pill popping karen, annoyingly camp jack and wimpy will. they have some silly humour most of the time. i always thought of myself as having no probs with "guys on the other side" - as long as they kept their distance. but but but.... hang on. maybe i do have predijuce. home early today. daytime tv. repeat of last week's episode. i decide to watch. i haven't seen one since england. lo and behold was i in for a shocker.

without delving into too much detail will's love interest is taye diggs. i respect that guy like an older cousin. down to earth grounded and not full of himself like most black actors, excellent dress sense. in fact we share similar tastes. i wasn't expecting any drama. anyhoo cut the long story short, they snog. taye diggs. brother, where art thou? dude, i'm at loss. how ever much they are paying you, it must be pretty good. is it just me or was that one big sitcon? i should have known better.

i must be the only one at the office who hasn't watched brokeback. i really don't intend to for my own good. i wasn't expecting it to be broadcast on mainstream tv.

you gotta hear this

2006-02-08T00:40:00.000Z

i really should get my own computer. somebody please donate. i'm suffering here. i have these clips which i'm dying to share. i'd upload the clips easy. making a transcript would not do what i heard any justice. so come on somebody, get your rich unkle to give.

these hobos. i like hobos. they may have funny smells but they have some humour in the form of life stories. if i ever make it big in life, i'll have a comedy club just for hobos. why? was on the train and these guys had me in stitches. they weren't too far off from me and i just listened in. when things got juicy i pulled out the cellphone and clicked the record button. each time i play it back it's ridiculously funny. an excerpt below [kinda].

hobo1: i won't be going back to my room tonight
hobo2: what, you have a room?
hobo1: well, kinda...
hobo2: so what's wrong with it now?
hobo1: my room mate has his lady friend in tonight and i'm keeping my distance.
hobo2: i'd tell him to just fuck off. i aint gonna sleep outside coz he wants to get it down, especially if i have a roof over my head.
hobo1: i'd wouldn't have a problem it's just that i dont on well with his woman.
hobo2: why's that?
hobo1: she used to be my wife.

stress test

2006-02-04T01:00:00.000Z

"would you like to try a free stress test, sir?"

"no, do i look stressed to you!"

that was some woman in this mall trying to hustle a dianetics stress relief kit to me. i think she got the message loud and clear. i may look stressed (maybe coz i am) but i will not be an l. ron hubbard subscriber or will i be his apologiser.

stress is.....

...nearly missing your stop coz you fell asleep on the train- couldn't fall asleep last night.

...having a dog beg you for cornflakes when that's the last thing you want first thing in the morning.

...having another newbie at the job asking you questions the most ridiculous questions coz they cant think for themselves. and i've only been here a week.
"what do i do with this?"
"we file that under b.i.n."
"where?"
"in the bin!" [*&^%&* idiot - under my breath]

...the milf at work who is seriously hitting on you coz you speak differently.

...burning your mouth with hot tea coz you cant be arsed to wait for it to cool down.

...36 emails in the inbox that all need to be replied.

...walking into a mall knowing very well that you're dead broke.

...watching people blissfully flashing their credit cards and cash, shopping like crazy knowing very well that you're flat broke.

...realising that everything in the bay area is priced at a premium.

...public loos that have hot air hand-dryers as opposed to paper towels. how are we supposed to open the same door as those skanky people who don't wash their hands? sis man!

...is having some silly middle aged woman with too much makeup and a fake smile asking you if you'd like to try a free "stress test."

...cursing life for being fair to the rest of world except you!

oh really

2006-02-02T17:48:00.000Z

when was the last time i called home? it seems such an age and my phone is playing up. actually, i'm hooked onto my zakkie's other phone and it's been cut off. whoopie ding! i really should just get my own. the only trouble is this country is messed up. they want you to sign some lengthy contract and then charge me fortunes when i renege!!

and then there's the moola issue. i hope i get paid this month. apparently with so much redtape in this state it can take up to six weeks to process my first paycheck. for goodness sake, this is america!!! not somalia. get a grip with life. my budget is getting pretty rocky. guess, less partying for me. i can forsee withdrawal symptoms - watching dvds on a saturday evenings can have weird effects to the brain.

on the train on tuesday, i got my quote of the week from a hobo (with dreadful BO). as long as i'm not lying under a cardboard with frost every morning, putting up with people spitting and swearing at you, or finding your wife stolen by your best friend the day after you get out of the slammers where you got your ass kicked, you've it got good. told him to write a book. and i'll stop bitching and get on with my work before they fired my black ass!

meeting the neighbour

2006-01-31T17:43:00.000Z

so chris (that's my landlady's daughter) saunter across the road to introduce me to the neighbours and get a couple of dvd's. i meet scott and the door with their bouncy dog, kojo. what is it with makhiwas and dogs - really? anyhoo, scott starts searching for the dvd's while his wife shona screams from the kitchen. scott yells back at her that he cant find any movies. shona dives into the room. she lies in a stomach and begins digging at the back of the cabinet. she's wearing a really short mini and black stockings - the edge of her ass is almost visible. she hasn't noticed that we are also in the room. chris and i stand well back by the door and just watch the live show.

then chris says, "nice ass, shona!"

shona bounces up, with her back to us, proceeds to lift her skirt up and wiggles her behind and adds, "you like my pants too?"

our jaws drop, scott turns red and says to his wife, "honey, this is our new neighbour."

shona gasps, "oh my god, i didn't realise you were there."

too late woman!

me calmly replies, "it's a pleasure to meet you."

absolooooootely priceless!

dog's day

2006-01-30T22:29:00.000Z

i got home on friday to be greeted by a new dog, poppy. i was introduced to poppy, supposedly a sweet, fun-loving, people-centric, gentle dog. we were dog-sitting her for a friend. okay fair enough.

the next day, she broke down the back fence and took off, never to be seen again. i really don't know whether to be happy or sad.

what we want to hear

2006-01-30T22:20:00.000Z

i miss my uncle in sac. he has a notorious habit of telling it like it is. take these two incidences i personally witnessed during the christmas haolidays.

1. beauty is the beast
that christmas party we went to a mother ago. we met this extremely ugly woman. usually, you just smile back and quietly keep it to yourself. but not this guy! when this facially challenged lady left the room, he quips louded to everyone [at least 6 peeps in room], "that woman is ugly. how did that guy marry her?"

2. sharing the khisimusi spirit
this guy who goes by the name tom graced his presence at the same christmas party at a friend's house. tom, who is often smelled and not heard, went on to greet everyone with a hug. [it was my 1st time meeting this guy]. anyhoo, when he gets to ol' faithful, he [my uncle] snaps,"no no no, tom, you stink!" he cowered away into his little corner for the rest of the evening.

there really is no harm with sharing the truth. is there?

dogwatch

2006-01-28T01:51:00.000Z

either angel has been fixed or she got sponsored by kotex. megan and i were bonding this morning. however i disinfected my hands before i left.

increase the temperature

2006-01-28T01:12:00.000Z

so last night after work i decide to go on my ace missions. i dont know anyone in this town besides the people i live with and their "lovely" dogs. i didnt bother going home to change and ventured into this place called fahrenheit ultra lounge in a suit carrying a black bag and a wall street journal clamped under my left armpit. if anything (with the foreign accent and look added), that was bound to get me some female attention.

before i continue, i must confess my love for beautiful spaces created for the young adult with plenty class and excellent taste, i.e. moi!

i was greeted a fresh looking darling (dressed as if she had just walked out of The Matrix). she lead me into this bar lounge - exquisitely decked out with comfy mood seating and lights, an attractive bar and music - house music. i had found my second home. after interrogating the barman - who owns it? what sort of crowd? is there cover at the weekend? and the music? what about the menu? and happy hour? closing time? - i got the answers i was looking for. i will not lead a miserable life while i'm here. at least some of these hitech geeks have lives after all.

i settle into my seat, decide on a long beach cocktail and my phone rings almost immediately. this kid in new york asking about my new job. i realised that i was in time for happy hour - which actually lasted three hours - and so there was no going home after just one drink. midway through my second drink, the barman introduces me to the editor of THE entertainment magazine in the valley. whoopie ding - free tickets - to EVERYTHING. so i latch on (typical zimbo) and the drinks just flow. anyhoo, i got home early enough - by 10pm. i had a job to go the next day!

i dont know what you heard about me

2006-01-27T00:21:00.000Z

i may not drive a cadillac or wear a perm and i aint no g fo shizzle but a bitch sure cant get a crumb out of me.

[this goes out as a warning to all young smartly dressed young men. there are people out there after you. i shall try my best to hood-arize this, here goes]

ah wuz waiting fo' da train jus' like Orenthawl James. dis here wuz at da station (and git Sheniquah's ass back ova' heeah.) dis here `64 rolls up ta me. da negroid mo'fo' inside points ta da ho sitting next ta him and sez to me, "what 'chew thinking man? ya iz all dressed up, w0rd! what iz you doin'?"

me replies, sounding polished as always, "i'm waiting for the train. how can i help you?"

"dis here beeotch needs her ass tapped. ya iz uh fine looking gentlemen wiff some spare change. ah'm sure ya could he`p uh brudda an' sister out. and shit. "

"in what possible way?"

at dis here point, da ho starts smiling an' winking an dat boil on mah ass. she wuz really pimp-tight looking too, all natural wiff her fro decent an' all, nice makeup you know das right!. what we's had wuz uh pimp an' one o' his ho' in the hood.

"i'm really sorry. i'm on a short a break and besides, this is not my kind of thing."

"it don' gots ta be long my bro."

"i am flattered, thanks but no thanks."

all ya brothers out dere watch out, ya' know what i'm sayin'?

skid marks

2006-01-27T00:08:00.000Z

the clock ticks 49:57.02 (at the last freeze). i shall type choppers. 49 minutes!

last night, i get home, my newly found home. i unpack my stuff (i hadn't bothered when i'd moved in - was busy with my nozaring missions!). i get changed into my white lounge pants which i quite like - nice just to hang about in. i must admit that i'm one guy with a pretty cool dress sense, even locked up indoors. i decide to bit more chatting and sort of play megan - that's one of the dogs.

[hang on let me back track a bit - go back two years, location: some street in sutton, surrey. what happens? i witmess a m'khiwa gogo wipe her dog's arse. me thinks: let the dog lick itself, stupid cow!]

back to last night. i'm playing with megan in my white pants which chatting to B (my landlady) and she (the dog) does a funny twirl and leaves a skid mark on my pants. this is only day two with these animals and they are soiling my clothes with their shit. i thought angel (that's the other bitch) was bad enough on a constant period leaving puddles of blood on the kitchen floor - somebody please get the poor dog tampax. i now realise that that old gogo was no stupid cow. she prob'ly had had many episodes of skid marks on all things the dog's arse came in contact with.

sanity reigns in

2006-01-25T23:40:00.000Z

i've moved into this lovely home with a very sane couple. they made me chicken pot pie last night (which is giving me wind!) and looking forward to a happy stay with them. they have live-in dogs but i'm really not fussed. it's about time i learnt to put with the darn things indoors as part of my salala-rization. one of the dogs, though, was leaking blood from its behind. she's getting it fixed.

so off to work i go today. form filling after form filling, contract after contract, page after page, book after book. the only consololation was that the clock with ticking, the shift was moving and i was getting paid to do it! then, it was taking it all in - in a day!! there's just too much. however i've gone through two financial products and have some homework to go through. it looks promising.

apart from that, i feel like i've joined the real working force - i seem to matter in people eyes and when i get on that commuter tram i look and feel just as important as the guy sitting next to me. yes please! i've got the cool accent to go with it too. the girls at work love it, hence my free lunch! i should keep it up. the downer is that i am seated in the biggest library west of the missisippi (how d'ya spell it?) typing away at break fingernail speed before my time slot runs out. 4:46:01 left. gotta check my mail!

quest

2006-01-24T04:00:00.000Z

as i come to terms with the fact that i will be abandoning a beautiful modern home with central air, own bathroom, cable tv in my room, big screen tv downstairs, high speed internet, pantry at my disposal, fridge to raid and a car parked in the garage, my quest for a room to board has ended. suddenly i feel like i've beeen brought down to size and will have to put up with sharing bathrooms and kitchens with strangers. i mention these two as in any house, they are the two roms i am really particular about. who really wants to catch a dump in a shitty toilet and who would want to eat food from a dirty counter.

my quest has been somewhat eventful. i came across some really really REALLY wierd people.

1. the lonely girl
miss bizzare interviewed me over the phone to be a roomate of hers. she wanted me to massage her 3 times a week, walk in my underwear when i got home from work everynight. accompany her shopping and bar hopping twice a month among other things all for a mere $200 reduction in the rent.

2. the lonely guy
i really ought to introduce him to miss bizzare. basically, he wants somebody, male or female, to his friend for only $20 a month. that's it. he will cover al expenses, i.e. food, transport, shopping trips. this would include weekend holiday breaks, hiking trips and skiing. but you have to sleep in the same room - same bed!

3. bi-sexual naturist
a bi advetising exec with a huge house who is renting out a room for a fraction of the cost. one must be open minded and expect him to walk around in the nude, especially when he is on his way to the hot-tub across the front room. entertainment for your guests when they come over.

4. vegan with body odour
she wants you to cook food that is on a specified list. it must not be processed, be fresh but not picked. plants and fruits have feelings - they radiate an energy - and hence must die a natural death. you must also use all things natural. no fragrances, no soap, no shampoo, no cleaning agents, no tv. basically, just crawl into her cave and simply exist.

5. swinging in the family
this sister and brother duo have a pleasant family house in the valley. they have eight dogs, an aviary and a couple of cats. she's in her 50's and he's in his 40's but he's "a bit slow" and weighs 280 pounds. now read this carefully. they dont really work. they run a family business. every friday and saturday night they have adult entertainment parties for couples. couples only, no singletons. at precisely 9pm, the curtains and blinds are shut, the front door is locked and the telephone is unplugged. he puts on the porn video, while she dishes out the condoms. once everyone gets in the mood, coitus follows before they switch partners and end up with big happy orgy. no to worry about the mess - while everyone's at play, she runs around armed with bleach spray and a sponge disinfecting everything, including the door knobs (just in case they have a virus!). they make a thousand bucks a week easy!

kwaito

2006-01-22T22:31:00.000Z

there is something defining about this musical genre. it is very unique. the slower tempo and the additionally melodious and percussive african bits define its true sense. the vocals, not sung, not rapped are shouted to send a strong message. this is who we are. and this isn't just music. it's a lifestyle, a validation of a way of life - the way we dress, talk and dance. this is where art-form meets life. embrace it before it passes you by!

friday

2006-01-22T04:13:00.000Z

i never did watch that movie friday. i should look for the dvd. or rather, i should have made my own dvd. yesterday was another disaster. maybe i should tell.

so wil flies in from texas. he's staying with sims. he's also from zim so my expectations of carnage were very true. in fact before friday even happened, they dragged me out the day before. maybe i shouldn't use the word drag because i got myself onto the guestlist at avalon - just in case! kept my options open. so there was no fuss. after all this is my last weekend here before venturing into the bay for my new job.

i will not discuss thursday (this entry is called friday). it was another one of those stupid nights out. so here's friday.

8:14 opening garage door opening wakes me up. it's the professor back from the gym. how do middle-aged people manage to keep such rigid work-life cycles? anyway, flip the telly on. there's a whale in the thames. great!

8:43 that shower was sooo good. late nights/early mornings aren't good. cd's on finest train. practice s'gubhu moves in front of mirror. but why am dancing in my boxers?

9:02 sims and wil are here. we went out together last night and they are here already. so they chat to the prof while i make my brekky. bacon and this bread made from amabele which this dude made. it's good

about 10:30 we decide to have a barbeque at sims's mom's house. pile into the car and venture southwards.

11:03 at this chinese supermarket buying meat. the beef is right next to the purple squid. GREAT. stock up on drinks - well corona, bourbon whiskey and remi martin.

12:30 get to the crib. lazying about. start the fire.

thereafter i lost track of time. it goes quick when you are enjoy yourself, esp when sipping something in form of a mexican beer or a french cognac. goodness. stories galore about life back in zim and trying to put nobs' boyfriend into the picture. it's very hard to describe what we africans really went through. he on the other hand had his stories from the 'hood'.

there was the one where his dad would send him next door to 'borrow' some sugar from mrs james. some days later it would be two eggs, some salt and cooking oil. may sound funny but i can imagine the same thing happening in zim. people have one common denominator - and somehow we just need to find it.

verbatim et literatim

2006-01-22T03:57:00.000Z

i spent today alone. i spend to much time by myself and i wonder if i'm really normal. maybe i just like my space and prefer not to have it invaded when i choose. i find myself so far from people i really know and being lost in oblivious thought calms me down. puts my mind at ease.

i've been contemplating going back to my old self - writer of all things in prose and poetry. i somehow feel as though since moving from home, i've lost that connection with my creative self. life has become a constant "crash" moment and i dont reflect on it like i used to. i express myself in written letters and words. unlike speaking your mind out freely, a lot more thought goes into the written process and there's little risk of saying the wrong thing.

i see a lot of faces but i dont hear a lot of voices. i should stick my ears out there and listen and not just watch but see. maybe then i'll be able to take life more verbatim et literatim.

a million little what?

2006-01-22T03:52:00.000Z

i was in a bookstore and i found myself at the checkout buying that book by james frey: a million little pieces. subject to so much controvesy, is it truth or is it fiction? to be honest, not many books i pick up get a grip of me in the first twenty-three pages.

so i will find myself poring through a million little letters over the next million little seconds.

waiting for the train

2006-01-19T18:31:00.000Z

now because i was begging for a job to the late night hours, i only got to the station at 10.39pm. i know the time coz that's when i bought my ticket. got chatting with this guy and girl there. she had just got back from vegas and he had just picked up his new laptop and was moving to norway. i had stories to share about my job - even to complete strangers. anyway, the dude, E brought out a shedule and the girl, J and i figured it out. turned that last train had departed at 1030pm. so there we were at some obsure train station - stranded!

J decides we go to a bar. clever girl. so we saunter to the bawa. we stop at the buses to ask if there is any way we can get out of this town at 1120pm. the lovely bus driver lady, informs us of the no 22 which goes towards san francisco and goes ahead and gives us free bus passes. so we shelve the bar idea but J has another one up her sleeve. she brings out this bottle of vodka and says, "guys we need a chaser!" E, who had a bike, gets on his bike and dashes to nearest bar. he gets back, not with fruit juice but with cider - 6% cider to chase cheap vodka.

what the hell, it should do. J does the mixing. this girl knows her stuff pretty well. anyhoo, we start entertaining our poor souls before getting on the no 22. we move to the back of bus - we dont want to risk being chucked out for breaking state and federal law. 10 minutes into the bus, we decide to find out where exactly this bus is going. it turns out it's only going to palo alto - not even half way. J tells us it's cool. we'll get there in time for last drinks at ruby's - this girl knows her shee.

so we get to ruby's - no plan in mind and we have more than just last drinks. E is now totally trashed and is falling over. the blonde girl, blue eyes, thin as a rack, hijacks me at the bar and introducs herself - only thing is that i cant remember her name. anyhoo, she tells me that she went to college in chico which is the no 1 party college according to playboy magazine. wow, i really needed to know that. she is soooo drunk and is hitting on me like a love sick barbie. i eventually move on to my new found friends, have a toast to my new job beforebeing thrown out into the street.

no plan in mind, we decide to hijack a taxi while J gets on the phone and wakes up her friends. see who can pick us up!! we manage to put the bike into the trunk of the taxi and order the driver to drive towards san francisco. he's from east africa and so he complies. however, J has managed to get one old friend to pick us up from the freeway and so the taxi ride ends quickly. so, there we were, outside the four seasons hotel at 3am.

friend arrives. for the life of me i cant remember his name. i fall asleep the second i sit down. next thing i wake up and we're in SF. he drove us all the way there! E kindly let me sleep on his living room floor. so much for a new job!

now it does get hi-tech

2006-01-19T18:22:00.000Z

so i went to check out this cool company in silicon valley, got chatting to people, used all the charm i could master, spoke impeccably british and i got hired on the spot. in fact, i'm really proud of the fact that i was the first they hired out of fifty. ergo, i get full bragging rights but i must work three times as hard. there i wont be shy. i also want a slice of the $300 billion worth of the company.

being in the valley will be cool. but being neighbours with steve jobs, larry page and sergey brin simply means that rent will be over the roof. it will be a cool experience being in this pretty hi-tech village for next six months or so.

that stupid company which tried to lure is still pestering me with phone calls. for goodness sake, just let it rest. i aint gonna work for your sorry asses.

hi-tech, my foot

2006-01-16T03:53:00.000Z

i should sue! why do people pretend they are something, lure you in and then pitch something completely different.

i got this call today from some guy called Charles. he introduced himself as a recruiter who was looking for computer saavy individuals with good people skills to join their expanding hi-tech company. so me thinks, sounds good. and the company's not too far from intel and so there may be something in this. me doesn't ask: what's the name of the company; how much do i get paid; and what does the job entail? i think i have become so desp'rate, i could take any offer.

me goes there, today, yes on a sunday. i should have smelt a rat but i didn't! i was all togged up, suit, tie, polished shoes, clean shaven, combed hair.... get to this shoddy office [in a nice office block] to be greeted by Charles [let's call him Chuck!] who must be about 4 feet tall, thin as a rack and looked as though he was from the east asian mafia. that guy gave me the creeps. he then invited me to meet his big boss, a bulky east asian dude who can barely breath. maybe this is the mafia. my biased self at this point became really skeptical [i watched CRASH last night and you that scene when they find a bunch of chinese peeps being smuggled and sold into the country - it sure felt like i was in the middle of it]

they then go on to describe how they make their money - selling mortgages. now, that's hi-tech, unless of course i'm lost in translation. me asks, so where's the hi-tech twist in selling mortgages? well, it's all in your brain. now i'm really lost. then,

me: so how would i go about selling the mortgage?
them: we dont really sell. we educate people about how to save money on their mortgages.
me: and how do you educate them?
them: we give you the necessary tools when you sign up.
me: and what are those tools?
them: we tell them to you when you sign up.
me: so how much do i get paid?
them: it depends on the volume of work you do.
me: so what's volume of work?
them: say you sell a $500,000 mortgage to a person...
me: hang on. where will i find somebody willing to spend half a mill?
them: on the street. there's lots of people waiting for you to educate them.
me: so that lady on the street could need a half a mill mortgage.
them: now you are getting the idea.
me: so i basically just walk around town asking people if they need a new home.
them: ooh yes, they are everywhere, bus stops, shopping malls, starbucks...
me: hypothetically, i could ask someone if they needed a house with their latte...
them: (chuckles) yes, you are a quick learner. you'll do good.
me: or i could walk into macdonalds and offer someone a million dollar loan to go with their big mac.
them: wow. you are able to think outside the box. you would prosper in this industry.

[i really should have up and left but i thought i'd play along. make a good blog entry after all]
me: so what's the commission structure like?
them: we tell you that when you sign up.
me: come on now. how am i supposed to sign up if i dont know what i'm being paid?
them: [talk talk in chinese] you see, the bank gives us 1% commission. say from five hundred sounsand, there five sounsand. make ten of those in a month...
me: ten of those is 5 million! i've got to find people willing to spend THAT much?
them:....yes...10 of those is fifty sousand. then you get thirty percent, which is 15 sousand.
me: and the 70%?
them: we keep it!
me: so i basically do your dirty work!
them: which job pays you 15 sousand a month entry level?

if you are still reading this, i cant believe you actually got this far. my job search continues!

limbo

2006-01-12T20:05:00.000Z

Limbo comes from the latin limbus meaning a hem or an edge or a boundary. While "limbo" is often popularly understood to be a "place where souls go", the term also describes and reflects theological uncertainty. As such, limbo is not part of the Church's official doctrine (compare purgatory, which is). Official Church teaching remains that the status of these souls (who don't seem to deserve hell, yet cannot follow the divinely-revealed path to heaven) is in limbo – in other words, their fate cannot be determined by any but God.

164 emails later....

2006-01-10T05:34:00.000Z

i have clocked 164 emails in 40 hours. that includes going through website after website and seeing who would be interested in picking my brain. my search for an internship continues. i regret not being that serious about it during my semester. it was supposed to be easy. i'm tired and just want to eat some ice cream and watch the telly. i think i'll do that before i go completely bonkers. by the way, i really don't know what the fuss in pa was about with regards to my social security number application. i just walked in today and breezed through everything. maybe those rednecks in pa have something againest me. stupid old farts. ok, ice cream.

beam me up scottie

2006-01-08T20:14:00.000Z

sometimes i wonder why i'm so stupid, or rather why i do stupid things. right, so on friday i made my way to airport to catch my flight back to northern cal. not very eventful. the same old boring city commute. i check myself in, nothing out of the ordinary then decide to head for the gates. as i approach airport security, i see people taking off their shoes, then suddenly it hits me: i'm wearing my lucky socks. that is, my big toe on my right foot is peeping out the gi-normous hole in my sock. oh shit! i can't turn back. it would look way too suspicious. i join the queue and my heart is racing. what do i do? as my turn fast approaches, my head starts spinning. how could i be so stupid? flashbacks of my mother advising me about clean underwear and good socks in case of an accident start haunting me. beam me up scottie!

i strategically place my bag in front of my foot as i take the shoe off, and quickly pull the sock over the toe, so as to conceal the eyesore. coup de grace! i think i may have saved myself. i casually empty my contents into the tub thingy, take my belt and watch off and proceed across the x-ray machine. me being me is constantly glancing at my foot to make sure the hole doesn't reappear. then, "would you like to step aside sir" - for crying out loud, beam me up scottie!

uncle sam was obviously watching my every move - suspicious moves at that too. and i was evidently nervous. they make me stand on the black square (this is in full view of everyone!) and proceed to frisk me. then the lady asks me to sit on this chair and lift my feet up! for goodness sake, beam me up scottie.

at this point, i was like, no-one here knows me, who cares, so i comply and she waves the x-ray thingy over my feet. as if that wasn't enough, the guy with her starts physically inspecting my socks. (i didn't come here for a foot massage!) at that point lucky sokisi had had enough as simply caved into the pressure. i remained calm and collected, it's just a sock for crying out loud. dont worry scottie, i survived!

$1.99

2006-01-08T05:08:00.000Z

for less than 2 bucks, i bought this cd from a charity shop with some mad raves tunes which take me back to boarding school. being stuck at that school with 'those' kids corrupted me. [do i get m'salala points?] funny enough, i really like it. atb, faithless, darude......who remembers sandstorm? funny thing it that if you slow the tempo down a little (i have a cool program which does it), it sounds like decent house music.

[cd's on eternity by orion. i'll pretend i know them.]

dollar goes a long way

2006-01-08T05:00:00.000Z

so i take the window seat on the number 2 bus from bel air to downtown LA. some stops later, this bulky woman, perfumed with stale urine and ten years of body odour, takes the seat next to me. i casually block my nose, try to breath in with my mouth. but the pong is so bad, i can taste it.

she then....wait for this.....she then asks me for a dollar. woman, you stink the whole bus out and have the cheek to ask me for money!! i ignore, but that smell.....that smell. nah nah nah! so i politely ask her to move a bit to let me out. what does she do? she ignores me! mnuko and all! she outright ignores me. there i was looking like a lost fart in a thunderstorm.

i reach into my pocket, fish out a dollar bill, hand it over to her and FREEDOM!!!

cool intentions

2006-01-08T04:54:00.000Z

well, my undercover self, with the help of my crafty uncle, devised a plan to lobby my intelligent self into Caltech and UCLA. so i compiled my statement of intent, emailed it to the colleges and go invited for a "chat."

i'm really chuffed to say that it worked like a charm. besides the academic hogwash we went through, i got what i wanted: them to be able to recognise my name when it comes to selection time. i'm very confident at this stage with UCLA. i can already see myself there, slaving away for the cool three letters, phd! i think the only reason i want to torture myself so much that fact that it would be cool to be refered to as dr. i already look intelligent, i may as well get the tag!